The Mrs Club

As a young girl growing up in Nigeria, I was told what my future should be. My education began at a very tender age and my educationists were the cloud of women who surrounded me. While some of the ladies were very direct in their approach, not mincing words, others were more subtle, making their point by way of indirect comments, jokes, conversations carried out in my presence, and sermons. My destiny, according to the numerous aunts, mothers and grandmothers, was sealed and it was this: To grow up into a nice young woman, appearing to be untouched by the hand of any young man and ultimately, to get married.

Marriage was purported to be my singular destiny, it was extolled as that which should be my greatest goal, my calling in life. Marriage was to be my game changer, my key to a different level of respect and position in society. Once I was married, I would no longer be referred to as that ‘small sisi’ (miss) or treated with disdain by the police, grabbed by traders in the market place, harassed by classmates and colleagues (of the male species). Rather, I would be referred to as Madam with some respect. No longer would I be harangued by people asking the same question relentlessly; ‘when are you going to invite us to eat rice?’ (a Nigerian euphemism for marriage) as if eating rice was ever a problem for them. Marriage would be my licence to demand quick service in shops, in offices and other institutions, a demand which few unmarried women would make for the pain of insults that would surely come as a result of their unmarried and therefore Non-Status. With the words ‘ I do’ uttered and the dotted line signed, the door to ‘respectability’ previously barred to me by reason of my ‘singlehood’, would be opened wide with great flourish and I would be admitted into the ‘Mrs club’ where I would reign on my throne of new found status. The irony is that even though there is a ‘throne’, it comes with little benefit except for those mentioned above. Many Nigerian women, if they would admit it, know what I am talking about and while it may be how it is, I balk at the hypocrisy of the situation.

It is particularly distressing that while men have created the customs and norms that bind women, it seems that women have become the custodians of the keys to these chains and revel in the role of gaoler of their fellow women, keeping them bound.  The sorry situation prompts me to ask the following questions:

• Is it right that women in our society should be considered as having little value and little to contribute until married and even when married, that their many achievements should be attributed to their husbands?
• Is it right that women should feel rushed into getting married because they constantly hear messages about how no man would want to marry an old hag (an old hag being age 25 and above) and they don’t want to become that ‘old hag’.
• Is it right that many women who are suffering domestic abuse, sit tight in a sham marriage, so as to hold on to the ‘status’ bestowed on them by virtue of being tied to a man, or that they should be afraid to leave because of the verbal abuse and psychological manipulation they will experience from their cloud of women?
• Is it right that when a man gets promoted, people congratulate him for hard work but if a single lady (and sometimes married) were to get promoted, there would be questions about who she slept with?
• Is it right that it is acceptable that married men should cheat on their wives and if their wife made an issue of it or ventured to do the same, she would be made a pariah?

No! It isn’t right. A woman should be respected for who she is and for all that she can bring to the table, whether single or married. A woman should have access to all the opportunities and freedoms that any man has irrespective of culture or religion. A woman should be free to go where she wants to go and to obtain a passport without a man signing a letter of consent. A woman should be able to go to work without the threat of sexual harassment or the loss of a job if she takes more than three months of maternity leave. I could go on but I will stop because I am sure you get my drift.

I have a dream; a hope that one day, all women will be valued equally as men. This is not, as some might think, an attempt to take the place of men, for how could we? We are so different. This is a struggle for women to be given  access to the same freedoms and opportunities within the context of our uniqueness. 

I believe that the key lies in education; educating the young men about gender equality, educating women about their rights and lack of rights so that something can be done to right the imbalance and most of all, educating men to help them understand how women feel by virtue of the prejudice that we face and how it cripples us and prevents us from achieving our full potential. I have a part to play in this, so does every man and woman. So play your part, challenge someone, stand up for yourself, join a pressure group, get people talking about it. Don’t let it rest till the goal is achieved, the goal of gender equality.

We May Not All be Mathematical Geniuses...

A few days ago, I had an interesting conversation with a group of people. We talked about intelligence of children and touched on topics such as the value of private education (referred to as public schooling in parts of the UK), streaming in school systems to encourage academic talent etc. The conversation was progressing well until one of the conversants made a comment about 'dumb' children.

'Dumb', the word struck me like a stone. I was stunned, first by the use of that word to describe a child (even in private conversation) and also because when I challenged the use of the word, the response was one of shrugged shoulders and of insensitivity, as if no damage could possibly be done by using that descriptor for a child. I even went as far as to ask, what if it was your child being described as dumb to which the response was, "well my children aren’t". I could see that the last comment was made to save face because the embarrassment was obvious. The person had realised that unknowingly and without malice, they had become a vehicle of prejudice against academically challenged children.

These types of conversations happen every minute of every day all over the world. These are conversations in which people unknowingly discriminate against others and prime their listeners to do the same. That is how prejudice starts. I am as guilty as the next person. I have lost count of the number of times that my husband has pulled me up for showing prejudice, which has come out during my conversations. In my opinion, prejudice results in discrimination and discrimination when unchecked breeds inequality which results in all kinds of injustice being done to the 'victim' of the inequality. 

You may argue that prejudices are inbuilt, that they are part of our emotional DNA. That may be the case but we humans are able to engineer solutions which help us to rise above limitations that we may have as a result of our biological make up. An example is wearing high heels to boost height (for the vertically challenged among us). Likewise, in the case of prejudice, one way to mitigate it is to develop empathy. The definition of empathy from Wikipedia is as follows: Empathy is the capacity to understand what another person is experiencing from within the other person's frame of reference, i.e., the capacity to place oneself in another's shoes.

If we practised empathy, we would be less likely to judge, to stereotype, to be biased. We would probably be more patient, willing to listen and to assist in any way we could. I am convinced that if there was more empathy in the world, there would be less inequality. So let’s all work on getting some empathy, lets practice it till it becomes habit. It may be difficult at the start but the more one does it, the easier it gets. 

At the end of the conversation that triggered all of this, what I thought and wish I had said is this, " we may not all be mathematical geniuses but each one of us is remarkably gifted and unique in our own special way". 

Perfect!!!

I looked at myself in the mirror today. My body has changed dramatically from having a baby. I am definitely heavier, I can no longer pass the pencil test for breast pertness (a true test) and as for my belly, lets not even go there. But you know what?  I was perfect before and I am perfect now and I would love to hear my sisters (and brothers) round the world say the same.

The image that the media paints of beauty is impossible for most women and men in the world to attain. The idea that perfection is smooth skin, DD breasts, a waspish waist and huge hips with a pert bottom for women and a six pack, muscular arms and rock solid legs for men is ludicrous and we all know it so why do we keep falling into the net of the people who set the impossible targets?  I myself have been a victim of this deception, recalling the countless hours spent standing in front of the mirror, agonizing over my spotty facial skin, my lack of any form of cleavage or waist for that matter (being of athletic build) and an impossibly flat bottom (a sin for an African woman). I wince when i remember all the money gone down the drain buying clinique, clarins products etc with absolutely no change to my skin condition. As for the bottom, well, I was advised to consider a Brazillian butt lift by a dear friend which thankfully, I couldn't afford.

I am sure that most haven't failed to notice the ubiquity of treatments offered to alter ones physical appearance by way of Botox, lip fillers, breast enhancements, penis enlargement etc. while its not my business what anyone chooses to do with their body, I think it is important that people realize that even with the perfect body, there will always be something else that someone else will pick on as being imperfect. In the end, changing who we are might bring a buzz in the short term but physical alteration of appearance can never bring about happiness or satisfaction. This message is essential to pass on to young people who are very impressionable.

So what can bring about satisfaction if attaining the perfect image wont? In my opinion, discovering and embracing what is good about ourselves and focusing on using our natural talents is a sure way to being happy. So rather than dwelling on how our faces aren't symmetrical like Beyonce's, or how our backsides aren't rounded like J Lo's, we could invest that time and dwell on the beauty that is us. We need to take some time and identify and accept the features and characteristics that make us unique and beautiful and dwell on those. We need to develop our inner beauty and look after our outward beauty, to harness all that we are and all that we can become to create true beauty in our world. That, is one sure key to happiness. I really believe that and practice it now.

My sister visited late last year (sorry sis, you know i love ya) and said, 'Anuli, we need to do lunges to get our bottoms looking pert'. I said to her, ' but Dahhling, I absolutely lurve my bottom just the way it is, it is just perfect'. I don't think she will be raising it again :)