The Sower, The Seed and The Field

That’s just the way things are. Just leave it. Why are you talking about this? Who asked you to do it? Talk is cheap.

These are typical comments that have been made in response to my talking and writing about gender inequality and discrimination against females.

So maybe all I ever do is talk about gender equality. What if all I ever did was to hug my keyboard every night and I did nothing else to bring about gender equality in reality. If this was the case, then maybe I am just wasting my life banging on about why achieving gender equality is a good thing,  and why righting the balance is the right thing to do.

Or am I?

Talking and writing are two ways through which humans communicate their thoughts, feelings, desires and dislikes etc. to the people around them. Communication plays a vital role in shaping culture, influencing others and in understanding concepts and ideas that people attempt to pass on etc.  Humans have a need to communicate our thoughts and ideas to others. We do this knowing full well that what we desire to communicate may or may not land well with the receiver of our message, yet we valiantly do it.

I love how Jesus laid out this concept in the story of the sower. In this parable, he tells of a farmer sowing seed in a field, the seed being the message of redemption that he was bringing to humanity. In this parable, he recognises that we all have different mindsets, which he describes as being along the path, rocky soil, thorny soil, and good soil, and  he recognises that each individual will engage with the message in a way that is congruent with their mindset. In this parable, he doesn’t say that the sower only targeted his seeds to land on good soil, no. The sower just threw the seed as far as he could to ensure maximum coverage of the field and a higher chance of success.

Over time, different things can happen to soil in a field. The farmer could find the time to clear the weeds from the thorny patch in his field which might give the seeds the chance to germinate. The farmer could also decide that a path is no longer needed in that’s section of the field, and layer on good soil  to improve soil quality on the pathway, giving the seeds some opportunity. The good sections of the field could also get depleted due to neglect or through leaching of the soil. Similarly, over time, mindsets can and do change due to experiences or circumstances, creating the right environment for seeds to germinate and sprout or becoming depleted so that ideas once thought fantastic lose power and are rejected.

To conclude my talking session this night, though talk may appear to be useless in the face of the challenge, though it seems to achieve nothing, I do not and will not despair because you know what? The seeds of change that we are throwing will land in all kinds of soils.  Some mindsets will support germination and will go on to bear fruit that will result in a more equitable society, other seeds won’t make it to germination right now. That’s ok. All we can do as the carriers of these seeds is to throw them far and wide. Who knows, at some point in the future when the farmer called life has worked his magic to improve the poor quality soil, there might just be a harvest. 

😀

Dads Are Priceless!! But are they?

Not according to the message someone sent to me on watsapp. I am not going to prime you about my thoughts, but i would like you to read the message that was sent below, think about it and then  read my thoughts underneath. I would love to hear what people really think.

‘You asked for 10k and your dad told you he will give you in the morning before he leaves for work, this is after he has thoroughly scrutinised what you needed the money for, all the questions he asked is already making you angry. Through out the night the man couldn't sleep because he was thinking of how togive you his last 10k. Morning came and he called you into the room to give you 9k instead of 10k and you squeezed your face in discontent and reluctantly said thank you after complaining it's not complete. Your mum after seeing this will not say anything but will meet you in your roomwhere your dad isn't and give you 2k from her own money and say "don't mind him, use this one to complete it" smile from nowhere will enclave your face, you quickly go to facebook and whatsapp to write "I have the best mum in the world, i love my mum". Now your dad had gone out again with just 1k in his pocket home and abroad to top up fuel or use as transport to work. He will never let you see this because he is a MAN. Always try to appreciate your Dad for no reason because you won't know how your life would have turned out without a fatherly figure in it.. 

Dads are priceless too o!...

HAPPY FATHERS' DAY’

Dad’s are definitely priceless. In fact, all males are priceless, but this anecdote makes me feel sad. What does this story teach us? That men should not disclose how they feel, but just stomach it and pretend that all is great? That men should put on a brave face and not admit that they are struggling, emotionally, financially or even sexually? I think this anecdote fully demonstrates how inequality, bred by gender stereotypes, drives men to behave in alignment to antiquated rules of masculinity with very sad outcomes.  

The above encodes a false image of masculinity, which is presented to young boys and men over and over again, in every form imaginable. It is passed on through media, passed down through nuture, and reinforced in social interactions. The popular version of Masculinity which is largely accepted, without question is one that precludes vulnerability. The version of masculinity, which is taught to  most males is that of a He-man, who feels no pain, shows no emotion and carries the burden of the world without flinching. Research shows that worldwid, men are 1.7 times more likely to commit suicide on average than women. One of the factors believed to account for the higher numbers is the social constructions of masculinity. These constructs account for why men are less likely to seek for help over feelings of anxiety or depression, because society expects men to be strong and not feel.

This is not acceptable. All humans regardless of gender, should be able to show vulnerability with the ones they love and trust. Men, like women should have the opportunity to express feelings of vulnerability, rather than putting on a mask of false bravado. We must break down the walls of inequality, and create the safe space for our men to express their deepest anxieties and fears, and to find support in the midst of those who love them, without being made to feel less manly. 

It is all our responsibility to make a more equitable society. Next time a man opens up to you, give your full support and slowly but surely, we will be playing our part in advancing gender equality, by creating equal opportunity.

 genderequalityis4all, not just women. Fact.

The Bedrock of Inclusion

Yesterday, I had a meeting with a colleague at work. What we met about was important and thankfully, we got resolution. I left the room not thinking of the outcome of the meeting, rather, I was thinking about a characteristic that my colleague displayed. She has tonnes of it and I prayed that I could become more like her. The characteristic that she displayed was empathy. Empathy, in simple terms is the ability to consciously try to understand how another might be feeling as they go through an experience. Empathy is what makes us think about others feelings and often drives a correction of thinking and subsequently, behaviour.

As I reflected on her behaviours, I thought to myself how important empathy is to understanding and working to correct inequality of all forms. It helps when one can make time to understand how unjust treatment based on preconceptions and bias, can cause pain for the person experiencing the treatment. This understanding is the bedrock of inclusivity. It is what drives people to change their behaviours which consequently impacts positively on others.

To put it into context, I will tell a story of a young girl who is found to be pregnant in secondary school. The typical response from the staff, parents, neighbours, family members would be a lot of shouting, shaming, blaming etc., and the girl would typically be suspended or expelled from school. Now let’s say that you are this young girl, take a moment to think about how you are feeling. Think about the emotions that would run through your mind on the discovery that at 15, you are pregnant? Think about the fear, the anxiety, confusion about the situation, and sorrow for your uncertain future. 

Think about all the feelings of loss and disappointment which the people who have invested in you will feel and project onto you.  Think about the disadvantage you would be at when you get suspended or expelled from school, knowing that the likelihood of your return to education is reduced, especially if you are from a deprived background. Think about the impact on your future and how your chance for independence through securing financial stability is evaporating. Think about the impact on the child you would bear, from having a disadvantaged and under educated mother. What awaits the child in future from not having financial security? Then think about how the shouting, shaming, punishment, screaming will make you feel over and above how you already feel. You know that none of this shouting or shaming words will make the situation better, it would just make the whole experience worse for you and possibly your child; medical science now tells us that a baby in the womb is subject to the emotions of the mother. Now you have a glimpse into this young girls emotional state. 

Now let’s change role. Think of yourself as an influential member of staff. After putting yourself in her shoes to get a glimpse of how she is feeling, of her anxiety and troubled state, would you act different to the norm? Would you let the drama carry on or would you think about how to solve the problem for her knowing her fragile emotional state? Would you take the time to find out what happened and think about how to manage the situation better so that the girl can be spared the additional and unnecessary pain? Would you think up options that would enable the girl to get the support she needs to come out the other end successfully or would you follow the default custom and practice and throw her out of school? The empathetic person would treat her based on how they would want to be treated if they were in her circumstances. Empathy would make sure that the right solution was worked out for the girl. 

So just think about that for a moment, and then think about how this applies to times when we witness unfair treatment being meted out to people based on gender. Think, if I were that young woman, being insulted because at 30, I haven’t married someone, or if I were that young man, being driven to frustration and anxiety because I might lose the girl of my dreams by not being able to cough up the demanded bride price. Think if I were an ambitious and hard working woman, but i am being harassed by my boss for sex to get my next grade rise at work, or the young man who is scared to tell his friends and family, that his wife is verbally and physically abusing him because of what society expects of him as a ‘Man’. 

To end, I will ask you a question, and I hope that you think deeply about it. Now that you understand the part that empathy plays, will you make a conscious effort to act differently when you witness others being treated badly because they are one gender or the other, will you be courageous and stand up against it?

A Special Place in Hell

Madeleine Albright, the former US Secretary of State and the first woman to attain this position, famously declared that ‘there is a special place in hell for women who don’t help each other’. While I agree with the sentiment, I think the statement is a little over dramatic. For starters, some women don’t believe in hell; so this is not much of a motivator for women that fall into that category. However, I suppose one could understand her frustration, which probably came out of experiencing, or witnessing situations, when that support from other women had been sought and not gained.

Many women do not support women aspiring for leadership positions in governance, or at the work place. When I ask why, people give the story of one woman boss that their friend’s, aunty’s uncle worked for, and how it was a ‘hellish’ experience. Others wind their hands over their head several times, click their fingers in the ‘tufiakwa’ (god forbid) gesture, and declare that it is not their portion to have a female boss. Many of these people are women themselves.

What we don’t realise (especially women) is that everyone hears what we say about female leaders being bad, and this influences their opinion. We shape people’s consciousness by the things we say. The more we say God forbid for other women, the more we disqualify ourselves from having the opportunity to progress, because we are reinforcing the culture which accepts that women should not be leaders because we become ‘dragons’ when we lead.

I will categorically refute that statement and say, women leaders are not dragons. Rather, women have a different style from men, and that needs to be recognised. The more females we have in leadership, the more we normalise what female leadership looks like in its varying forms.

So, my fellow woman, before you say ‘tufiakwa’ in your next conversation about female bosses, female political leaders, female religious, female military leaders etc., before you lift those hands to snap your fingers together, pause for a moment and think about how you are supporting a culture, that will disqualify you from progressing into senior leadership positions, in many spheres of life in the Nigerian society or wherever you are located. If you don’t care about yourself, then please, think of our children and let your hand drop quietly back to your side. Thanks in advance.

Riddle Me This

Here is a riddle for you: A father and a son are in a car accident, the father does not survive and the son is badly injured. An ambulance takes the son to the hospital where the surgeon cries out, ‘’I cannot operate, because this boy is my son’’. Who is the surgeon? 

Confused? I was too the first time I heard the riddle. Soooooo confused. I couldn’t understand who the surgeon was because his father was clearly dead. The answer: His mum of course. Not his grandfather or uncle or some other male relative, or a ghost (that was a true response, ha ha). 

On reflection that is the obvious answer, but most people like myself carry unconscious bias about gender and specific roles which males and females play in society, or the jobs which they perform. Why do we automatically think ‘he’ when we talk about a government official or an engineer? Why do we automatically think ‘she’ when someone refers to a receptionist or team assistant? History shows that these roles may have been done in majority strictly by males or females in the past, but things have changed a lot in the last 30 years globally. I am sure many of us are now aware or personally know male nurses, female engineers and mathematicians, male receptionists, female mechanics and bus drivers etc. The US statistic is that 1/3 or surgeons are women and in Nigeria, the number of female doctors are not a minority in the set of doctors, so why do these biases remain?

More importantly, how can we change mindsets? As we drive towards #genderequality and seek to right the balance for ourselves and our children (male and female), in our work places and at home, it is important for us all (male and female) to look inward and seek to understand the biases that we carry in us, to ensure that we aren’t feeding them forward to our future generations. 

I envision a world where our children hear that riddle and think instinctively, his mum of course, duhhhh!!! That would be an absolute result. So lets all lean in and do our bit 😀. As the saying goes, little drops of water.......

P.S: I am so curious to hear what your initial thought of who the surgeon was when you heard the riddle. It will be fun to know. Inbox me if you are too shy 

Leaning In to Achieve Equality

Have you read ‘Lean-in’ ? It is the international best seller by Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook  on working women and leadership in the workplace and it has a great message for working women. I was first handed the book by my mentor at work just as I was going off on maternity leave for the first time. The book really helped me and continues to do so and I would recommend it for every working woman who is seeking to become a leader in her field of enterprise, at work or at home.

Sheryl’s message is clear, we need more female leadership in all spheres of life. In order to achieve this, more women need to lean in, which essentially means, taking hold of their careers, being bold and getting their partners to support more at home. We need to be open and honest about who we are and be assertive about the value we bring to the organisations we work in and our personal relationships. We also need to make a way for others by challenging unjust practices when we have influence to do so.

Many may scoff and say the evidence suggests that female leaders of the past never did anything to help the cause of other women or even raise other women up with them. This may be true for a lot of the first wave of leaders like Margaret Thatcher, but we must understand that the back then, female leaders were busy trying to overcome so many barriers, fight stereotypes and negative feedback that they didn’t have any energy to raise others up. Thankfully, this is no longer the case as the initial obstacle course has been breached.

As the number of female leaders increase, the struggle to be accepted is being shared across bigger numbers, leaving more energy to speak up against discrimination and progress the cause for women in general. An increase in the number of females in leadership, will lead to more equal representation. It will mean there are more leaders who can empathise with 51 percent of the Nigerian population who are female. It will mean that employment laws, discrimination bills, etc. Which remove discrimination against women can be passed without fuss, it will mean that we can avoid a repeat of the fiasco that went on over the Equality bill that was never passed in 2017. It will mean that the inexcusable event which happened at Globacom Nigeria on International women’s day a few weeks ago, where over 80 women were sacked, because of their marital status/age, can be avoided. It will lead to fairer treatment for all women. I really believe this and I know I am not alone.

I will conclude this post with a quote from page 172 of the book. Sheryl writes ‘The hard work of generations before us means that Equality is within our reach. We can close the leadership gap now. Each individuals success can make success a little easier for the next. We can do this - for ourselves, for one another, for our daughters and for our sons. If we push hard now, this next wave can be the last wave. In the future, there will be no female leaders. There will be leaders.’

P.S: I have a copy of Lean In for one lucky reader. Let me know if you want it and we can work delivery out. It will be on a first come, first served basis.

Are You Still in Business?

Long time no blog.  My life has been a little tumultuous to say the least. Returning to work after a year off on maternity leave, assuming a leadership position almost immediately after my return and becoming co-lead of a diversity initiative on righting the balance for women at work while getting to grips with my new role and co-running a home with two young children to love and care for has been a huge adventure and this phase of my life is not over yet. Takes breath.

In all my busyness, what I have found is that I don’t feel my sense of fulfilment and through self searching I have discovered that I must give more time to writing about my passion for achieving gender equality through girls education and female empowerment.

Even though I mothballed the Equality Forum facebook group that I ran for over a year in 2016 (or was it 2017? Shrug) my conversations haven’t stopped and I haven’t stopped learning. The more I speak about achieving equality, the clearer my thoughts become and the clearer they become, the more apparent my unconscious biases are. So I am back in business and I am determined to keep writing about removing obstacles to female equality while doing my other underground work in support of my passion.

So a question for all readers, are you still in business? Are you still challenging biases and stereotypes and language that highlight difference and remove opportunities for females in your circle of influence? If you have become discouraged, if you have shut up your talking shop because you got tired of abuse, or faced fierce criticism, please come back, please reopen your shop, please start having those conversations again and respectfully challenge discriminatory behaviour when you see it but remember to keep safe at all times while doing it. And something really important, if you are feeling isolated and alienated, find some support. The internet has made the world smaller and its easier now to find like minds, so don’t delay, find some support to help you start again. I am here too, so reach out with any questions.

Anuli is back!

Gbegborun Central

Lady A: I make sure that my husband provides everything, he pays all the bills for the house.

Lady B: but I thought you were working full time.

Lady A: yes I am but my money is my money. His money is ours to share.

Lady B: So what happens if he loses his job?

Lady A: God forbid! Are you wishing me bad luck?

Lady B: of course not! But you know how things are right now in this town. People are still losing jobs.

Lady A: well in that case, he should go and borrow money because he is supposed to be the breadwinner of the family, that's his job.

Lady B: do you really mean that? You mean you won't help out if he lost his job.

Lady A: I am sorry oh but I can't. That's the role of a man, to be the breadwinner in the relationship and if he can't provide, he has failed in his role.

If you were Lady B, what would you think or say about the situation? honest answers please.

Where Are the Women

Last night I went for a walk with a lady friend. She just came back from Nigeria and regaled me with tales of how Lagos is all snazzied up, and how people that she worked with have progressed on their career ladder. We joked about how tough it is to climb the career ladder in the U.K. And how maybe if we were back in Nigeria we might have been on a better trajectory. My friend works in IT and she started the roll call of her former colleagues and what they had become. I stopped her after a while and asked a question. 

I asked, where are the women?

She looked at me for a few seconds, realising what I was asking and said, they have all dropped off. She went on to tell me how her colleagues were impressed that she was still in IT after so many years and after having children.

Where are the women? Are they on the boards? Are they at director level? Are they chairwoman, CEO's, CFO's of big organisations or have they dropped off to start their own thing, run small businesses, stay at home with the children because it's just too hard to continue in the corporate world?

Until we have more women at levels of great influence, the situation will continue as it is. Women will continue to disappear from corporate male dominated businesses after a certain period because it's too hard. We need to keep asking the question and finding out ways to help the women thrive. We must support each other in our work places and push for more women being involved at leadership levels so that the status quo can change.

I really hope that my children don't ask the same question when they start work. I hope they don't have to say, 'where are the women?'

The F Word

Someone called me feisty tonight. Feisty!!!

I hate that word.

I hate it because it is always (in my experience) used to describe women who are not afraid to own and voice their opinions.

I challenged him. 'Would you call a man with a strong opinion feisty'? I asked. He thought about it and said no. He said he would call him opinionated.

Gender inequality exists in speech. It takes its form in the words we use to describe people. It takes form in the way we express our thoughts about people.

Do we accuse women of being irrational or emotional when we accept men shouting in the same situation without batting an eyelid?

Do we think an opinionated woman is being arrogant when she stands up for what she believes at home or at work but shrug at the same response from a man?

I can think of so many situations where the same behaviour accepted in men is vilified in women. Also note that women are as bad as men in using language to keep the system of inequality going strong.

At the end of our conversation, my friend thanked me for opening his eyes to something he wasn't aware of until it was pointed out to him.

Let's keep up the good work and challenge the causes of gender inequality where we find them.

Gender Equality and the Fairy Boot

This morning, just after breakfast, child one started with the imaginary games while I was clearing the table. Today's imaginative play was done using the fairy boot with all the fairies representing close family and friends.

I wasn't playing with the child but I was listening to the scene being played out while virtuously doing the dishes 😜. Child one is obsessed with wolves and bears and as usual, there was a bear in the story, prowling the perimeter of the fairy boot and frightening all the fairies.

Long story short, the fairies made it safely inside the boot and then I overheard the child say, ''daddy is scared". I almost said, ''don't be silly, daddies don't get scared'' and then I caught myself. Just in time.

In that second, I recognised yet another stereotype that I harbour in my mind. I just realised that I was still carrying it about and waiting to transmit it to my child, the untruth that men are not supposed to be scared.

Me! A full fledged believer in gender equality.

The same me who pulled up a friend on his choice of descriptive language for women just the other day because he called me feisty.

There you have it, madam carry-gender-equality-on-her-head is guilty.

We all carry stereotypes that have been handed down to us by our culture and environment. They are part of us. They creep up on us from the darkest recesses of our minds when we are least aware of them and influence the choices we make, the words we say, the way we treat members of different sexes at work, home or play.

Have you ever heard about unconscious bias? It is talked about a lot with respect to removing discrimination. Unconscious bias is what makes us treat people in certain ways, it is our brains way of making quick judgements without us realising based on our culture, personal experiences and environment.

When I heard my daughters words, my brain made a quick judgement based on what I had been fed during my upbringing, i.e. that the man should always be strong. That masculinity equates to showing no fear in the face of danger, not asking for help or support, not showing any outward signs of emotion and basically being a He-man.

Well, my judgement was wrong and I am so grateful that in that split second when I was distracted, my mouth did not transmit the result of my minds unconscious judgement to my child. Phew!!!!

I was further reminded why it is so important for us to regularly examine our thoughts to determine if we are harbouring gender stereotypes that influence our decisions. Decisions that could be unfair and hurt people. A lot.

Men can and should be allowed to express fear, sadness, loneliness, vulnerability, anxiety etc. without worrying about what people would think of it. Expressing emotions outwardly doesn't make men not men. We were all given tear ducts for a reason. If men didn't need to cry sometimes, then they wouldn't have them. I wonder about the man who threw himself off the third mainland bridge last week. Yes he was depressed or so it seems but I wonder if the root cause of his angst wasn't related to the unfair pressures placed on men by society.

I wish I could tell you that I said something clever to my child afterwards, but I didn't. I was too busy being shocked at what I had just discovered in my mind to recover quickly enough and the moment passed.

However, because of what happened this morning, I am now prepared for the next time child one says something similar. I will definitely be saying that it's ok for daddy to be scared because he is human and we all get scared sometimes. I will also say that family and friends are our support mechanism in times of fear and we should go and tell someone that we love about how we feel. How about that?

Two lessons for the price of one.

More Than the Space Between Her Legs

A girl, who is a girl?

Is a girl only defined by her DNA? A product of the merger of X and Y chromosomes during conception? Is all that she is, and will become, tied to the space where her legs meet? Should her future depend on her physical beauty, the symmetry of her features, and how she can package them? Should a girl’s only option be to become a wife and a mother of children? Or should she just grant President Buhari his wish and belong to a man's kitchen, his living room and the 'other room'?

Can a girl aspire for more and can she be more?

The answer to that is a resounding yes!!!!! A female is certainly more than the space between her legs. Apart from a vagina and mammary glands, a woman has a brain and a soul, emotions, desires, a will to do, the ability to self-reflect and a desire to achieve goals just like a man.

If the above is true, then why on earth do millions of females in Nigeria and the world over believe that they should never aspire to be more? Why are they deterred from chasing their dreams through the boundaries that our society has set? Why aren’t they more females in top job? Why  don’t we have more female politicians, engineers, vice chancellors, judges, CEO's ? Why don't we demand better treatment? No harassment at work, equal pay, more maternity leave and job security for mothers? Why do we agree with the societal belief that a woman is nothing unless attached to a man be it her father or her husband? This is the reasonbehind the mad rush to get married before they become 'old and desperate'. For some, the attainment of the ‘Mrs’ title is the most important achievement of any female. 

Many of us are all too aware that due to societal pressure, a large number of women have ended up in unhappy marriages, becoming victims of domestic abuse. They are too afraid to leave because they would be made to feel inadequate for losing that much desired title of 'Mrs'. No one can fully comprehend the damage that many have suffered from the consequences of rushing into marriage. No one can fully account for the broken lives that have resulted from this lie that women are inferior.

The truth is - WE ARE EQUAL,

Just pause for a moment and reflect on that.

A woman is not an appendage of a man; females are made for a purpose. This does not mean that a female cannot appreciate, love and work together with men; rather it means that a female should know that she is not a second class citizen, or a passenger in this life. A female must engage and drive her own destiny. She must be responsible for herself, have her own dreams and actualise those dreams through education, and hard work in a level playing field. A level playing field is one in which both males and females have access to the same opportunities and resources required to succeed and realise their dreams and goals. A level playing field is only possible when gender equality is achieved.

So, what does gender equality truly mean, and what part can we play in achieving it? 

Many people shy away from discussion about equality because they have a misunderstanding of what it is. So let me clear the air.  Gender equality, in the truest sense, is an ideology that seeks to achieve the same opportunities, and give access to the same resources for everyone. For example, all children should have equal access to education. A male child should not be favoured over a female child, or vice versa, and a female child should not be prevented from receiving education because she will eventually get married into another family. Gender equality does not call for women to try to become men, rather it is about women being able to have the same freedom as men to use their talents and express their preferences in creating a happy existence for themselves. In any case, men and women are completely different beings . We each have unique strengths and weaknesses, and trying to become what we are not, will only result in woeful failure. That said, we share many characteristics which means that women can, and should, engage in all areas of human endeavour as our abilities allow.

For instance, women should be free to run for political leadership positions without fearing the backlash of disapproval from the society.  Women should not be harassed by the police because they are out at night, or labelled prostitutes simply because they decide to have a nice time out on the town without a male chaperon. If a man is free to enjoy the nightlife unescorted, why is a woman treated any differently? These are just some examples that expose the inequality of our society.

Make no mistake, men are victims of gender inequality too, and creating a society built on equality will free men from the shackles imposed upon them. An example of the freedom they could experience is being rid of the incorrect societal belief that men cannot be victims of domestic or sexual violence.

So what’s next?

In my opinion, everyone, especially women, have a part to play in creating a more equitable society.

How can we do this?

We can start by changing the way we think of ourselves, and of women in general, and start to understand that we have talent, we have skill and we matter. We must get rid of the old way of thinking. Of the inherited stereotypes that keep us locked-up as second class citizens.

Secondly, we should work to influence the people around us and encourage them through respectful discourse to view females differently. We must teach our sons to start viewing, and treating, females as individuals worthy of respect in their own right. We must teach our daughters to value their skills and talents, to gain confidence in their abilities by getting engaged in sports, politics and current affairs We need to encourage our girls to read, read, and keep reading to gain knowledge in all areas as a means of understanding the world and building self-confidence. We must never tell our girls that marriage is the ultimate achievement; rather we must encourage them to explore life and gain experiences to develop themselves into well rounded individuals who will contribute to building up their communities.

Finally females should support other women who seek political and social leadership positions; not just because they are women, but because they are competent women. If we are to see any changes in society in terms of equality at the Federal level, we need to increase the diversity of thought in the Senate and House of Representatives where Bills are passed. We can do this by ensuring that we support an increase in the numbers of women who are elected into political office. The more representation we have by people like us, who understand our needs and empathise with us, the more we have a chance of achieving our goal of gender equality.

Change is never easy but it can be won. A Chinese proverb says that a journey of a thousand miles starts with one step. Take that step today and start effecting the change you want to see in the world.

Let us do our bit to promote gender equality and make our society a fairer place for the future generations.

Stand Up and Be Counted

You! Yes you, not the person behind you. I am speaking to you.

Are you surprised that I am speaking to you? Why, because you are female? 

You are surprised that I am asking you to lean in, to play your part?

Don't tell me you are thinking, ''I am just a girl.''

Is that so? You think I should speak to the boys. You think that these sort of opportunities should only be given to male folk? You accept that females are largely ignored and you believe the lie that we should just take the passenger seat? You really believe that our role in life is to support from behind, to be seen and not heard, to be the neck holding the 'head' up. To be in the living room, kitchen and the other room only. You really believe all that?

Well, let me tell you that you mustn't think like that. You are more than a passenger. 

You can be more. 

You should be more. 

You have the right to be more even though everyone tells you that you can't because you are female. 

Why settle to be a passenger, when you have what it takes to be the pilot of your destiny? You are made to have a positive impact on lives, your community and the world. Please don't settle for less.

You are smiling at me. Do you think that I am lying to you? 

Ok. Look around you. Many women around the world are standing up and being counted. Let me just name a few of our kind that are making an impact on the world in our era.

I will start with Linda Ikeji. You know her right? Yes, she is that self-made media mogul who has created jobs for thousands of young Nigerians. People have tried to pull her down, they have tried to reduce her success to nothing because she isn't married. People make out that marriage is the ultimate achievement of women. That isn't true, marriage is not an accomplishment, it is a choice.

Let's move on swiftly to Leymah Gbowee, a Liberian peace activist partly responsible for ending the conflict in Liberia. What about Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, the first female president of Liberia or Aung San Suu Kyi, a female activist, jailed for speaking out and who now leads the National Democratic League party of Myanmar formerly known as Burma. 

Shall I go on?

No need?

You get the picture, right?

You are asking me about societal expectations for women? Oh! Do you mean what people say about women needing a man to protect them, men being the bread winner, women being demure, women's biggest achievement being marriage and all that?  

Never mind about those silly expectations. They are based on stereotypes. Stereotypes are social constructs intended to keep people chained to what others want them to be. Don't get me wrong, some social rules are important, in fact essential but some are based on useless and outdated myths and should be ignored. Some people largely benefit from maintaining the status quo and work hard to prevent change.  Don't be a prisoner to their myths and legends, break free. Challenge unfairness and discrimination, seek truth and don't let anyone keep you from being true to yourself and from realising your full potential.

You are worried that you might fail when you try? So what if that happens? 

You will learn from your failures about your  strengths like so many others before you. To never fail is to never learn. Embrace challenge, push the boundaries of your box. Therein lies the path to success and happiness.

Ok, I need to go now but I must say one last thing; Females are not second class citizens, we are first class too and we deserve the same access to opportunities as our male folk. We deserve to be treated with fairness and respect and you must believe this if you want to overcome prejudice and excel in your chosen path.

Always remember that.

See you later.

Written for Youandmeroundtable.com 

http://youandmeroundtable.com/stand-up-and-be-counted/

The Evils of Girl Child Marriage

Child marriage is child abuse. It is an injustice that deprives young girls of the chance of getting educated. Child marriage often results in the loss of the opportunity to realise a future as independent women who are in charge of their destinies.

Child marriage deprives the world of talent. Think about it, among the many child brides could be that person that would have discovered the cure for a particular disease or brokered peace deals between warring communities, and many could have gone on create solutions that would impact their communites for good. All that disappears with child marriage.

Child marriage in poor countries is the greatest contributing factor in a woman developing fistula. These injuries associated with child birth by children, result in the girls and women being ostracised from their communities because of their incontinence. These cases could be largely avoided if child marriage was stoped.

Child marriage is one of the factors that underpins gender discrimination.  Young girls who are married off as children are unlikely to get educated. Uneducated women typically don't know about their rights and even if they did, they would find it nigh impossible to assert those rights in their communities because they depend on others for survival. They can only survive by  remaining quiet.

Child marriage is theft, theft of possibilities  and opportunities that young girls could have. Unfortunately, this is the reality for many girls, but it doesn't have to continue. 

Let's stand together to say no to child marriage. Let us tell all the young girls we know that marriage is not the ultimate achievement. Encourage them to be more for themselves,  to aspire for excellence and use their natural talents to thrive and contribute to their communities.

Watch Run, a documentary on girl child marriage here
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:RUN.webmu

Where are the Women in Nigerian Politics?

Most women aware of the state of our nation Nigeria, when it comes to the value placed on females in our society. The recent failure of the passage of the Gender and equal opportunities bill, and the increasing spate of violence against females leaves us in no doubt of the place assigned to women's issues; clearly at the bottom of the heap. Regardless of the power of social media in exposing these ills, females remain relegated to second class citizenship and our cries continue to fall on deaf ears, resulting in untold frustration within the female population.

Why does this continue to happen? Why don't women rise up and take control of the situation? Why don't women vote more competent women leaders into electoral positions?

For starters, we live in a patriarchal society where men still own and control majority of the economic resources despite the fact that there are more females than men in the population. Most females would not rock the boat because their garri and soup literally depends on the relationship that they maintain with the men in their lives. Also since men hold most of the money, and vast sums of money are required for engaging in politics, resources tend not to be readily available for females who wish to engage in politics.

Secondly, majority of females have been taught, a teaching emphasised by many of our mothers, that a woman's place is beneath a man and that she is nothing without a man to cover and protect her. Seeking political office or power is seen to contravene this belief and the few women engaging in politics are considered as being irresponsible and in extreme cases, accused of being women of poor virtue.

Additionally, the education of females in many families is frowned on and seen as a waste of the family resources, which results in a huge number of females missing out on the opportunity to get an education and gain independence. Independent women can make decisions for themselves about whether they can vote and who to vote for.  Fewer independent women is a factor that  affects the success of women seeking political office.

Finally, men and women in our society have also been unconsciously trained to distrust females in authority through the vehicle of gender stereotyping. Very often, we hear women in leadership being torn down because society judges leadership behaviour that is acceptable for men as a negative trait in women. For example, a male leader may be described as 'determined' while a female showing the same character trait will be described as being 'aggressive'. Women are expected to be nurturing rather than leading and as a result, society finds it difficult to accept women who aspire to leadership positions. This in itself is one of the greatest barriers to progressing women into societal leadership roles.

In the past, questions about the absence of females in leadership positions were not usually asked. Women either accepted what was seen as fate or discussed it in small groups with no result. Thankfully, with the rise of the use of Facebook and other social media tools, women are no longer consigned to huddle and complain bitterly. females are becoming aware, due to cross cultural exchanges from various media platforms, that we are not second class and that we should be partners with men in deciding our collective destiny. Our voices of discontent are growing and people are sitting up and beginning to take notice. The fact that the gender and equal opportunities bill was written is testament to the times that we live in.


So, what next? How can the problem of women taking backstage in political leadership be solved? How can the issues that females face on a daily basis be resolved? What part can we play in changing the situation over and beyond constantly speaking about it within our clusters and in the public domain? How can we create a wave of change to suit the female population?

Politics in Nigeria has always and continues to remain a male reserve. females have always been discouraged from taking any interest in politics. The average female on the street would shy away from actively participating beyond voting. As a result, the few women who venture into seeking elected positions are seen to deviate from the expected behaviour and hence are frowned on by society - the media do them no favours and the polity do their best to reduce them to cooks and pleasure providers for men at every turn. The statistics corroborate this, only 9 of the 108 senators are women and a similar ratio exists for the house of representatives. The situation is appalling. With such a small ratio, it is very obvious why female-centric bills would fail to make it across the house floor.

If women are to have a fighting chance at getting our voices heard at the national level, the perception that 'politics is only for men' needs to be changed and women must get into leadership positions within all levels of society.  It is crystal clear that by having more competent women elected into office, women can shape the future of our society and ensure that we become valued members within it.

So I enjoin you woman, get involved today. Get some political education and see where it could take you.

Whose Side Are We on?

A woman has the right to her body. It is her own not anyone else's. She has the right to dress it, move it, give it or withhold it whenever she pleases. It is her fundamental human right, nothing changes that, not even marriage. 

It doesn't matter what she wears. It doesn't matter that she stays out late at night. It doesn't matter that she drinks and flirts with you. It doesn't matter that she is on her own. It doesn't matter that she is your wife, girlfriend or partner. It doesn't matter that she walks a certain way or talks a certain way. It doesn't matter that she said yes the first time. Rape is never the survivors fault.

Rape is theft of a higher kind. It is a violation of body and soul and there is not and can never be any justification for it. It is a crime. 

If you are one who is quick to judge survivors, know this, you are standing on the side as the perpetrators and you are supporting a culture of silence which allows rapists to continue undeterred. 

Nobody wants to be stolen from, as you would not accuse the victim of theft, so you should never ever accuse a rape survivor of inviting rape.  Before you judge, STOP!!! And think. It could be your mother, sister, friend, granny etc. Tomorrow.

Join the conversation, #speakoutagainstrape and break the culture of silence.

She

I am a woman.

Was I created to be 

beaten and cheated on by a he?

I am a woman.

Why should I be found

underneath rather than beside,

Why am I thus bound?

I am a woman.

Why must I embrace

Mediocrity and false humility 

So he may save face?

I am a woman.

must I spend endless nights on my own?

Yet still bend,

Into all shapes and sizes when he returns,

To avoid the wrath of his anger

and not get badly burned.

Why should I be taunted when he does me wrong,

by the throng that should make me strong?

Why should I be blamed when he steals from me,

the very essence of my femininity?

What should I do when I am terrified at my job,

because my boss says the sight of me makes him throb?

Who will speak for me when I am murdered,

by my brothers because 'I was out of order'?

Is it right that I should be so abused, 

just because I've been accused

of being the Genesis of the downfall of man?

Oh my goodness, I am just one woman!!

You tell me, 'it's tradition' and I ask 'So'?

You say, 'it's the way it's always been' and I say, 'No'!

I only want to live my life like you,

I want access to freedoms and opportunities too!

I am sick and tired of playing second fiddle.

The answer isn't difficult, it's not a riddle.

So hear me now, give me a break.

The time has come, make no mistake.

Listen friend, do as you should.

Don't remain silent, help me lift this shroud.

Stand beside me, hold my hand,

and walk with me into the promised land.

The promised land of equality,

Where I'll become the She I was truly made to be.

Anuli Marshall

6th January 2016

Is This Why We are Angry?

Angry Nigerian women. They are everywhere; in our schools, places of worship, work places, markets, shops, streets and even our homes. They come in every female form imaginable and manifest as wives, daughters, sisters, mothers, aunties.  They are our bosses, colleagues, domestic servants, leaders wives, religious leaders wives, neighbours, friends etc. etc. I can guarantee that every woman reading this post can identify at least one angry woman in their life. I will even go as far to say that each of us at one point in our lives may have demonstrated this angry woman syndrome or may demonstrate it when the conditions become right.

So why is the average Nigerian woman so angry? Why does she feel the need to be aggresive in her affairs? Why does a female boss suppress female colleagues? Why as a friend does she feel the need to be aggresive to remain on top her group of friends? Why as a woman studying does she feel the need to push extremely hard? Why must she lash out at others for no apparent reason when asked a simple question? Why does she feel the need to discredit friends or colleagues so that she remains the only woman celebrated? Why does she think she has to speak back rudely to women in authority or beat up her domestic servant just to show who is boss?

The answer is not a simple one and there are many factors that play a role but my theory is that over and above living in a difficult environment like Nigeria, where most people are in 'survival of the fittest mode', the biggest factor that plays a part is inequality and the suppression of women.

Nigeria is a patriachal society with many rules for women still enforced. For instance, even though many women are now in the professional workspace and are capable earners, most people still ascribe their success to the men in their lives. On the surface such comments may seem harmless, but most people know that recognition and reward for work well done is part of what drives people on to be better and achieve more. Now imagine that recognition being belittled all the time. Any normal person over time would become frustrated but in a society where we veil our sorrows with endless smiles and deference, the frustration can take root and start to build up. When issues are not addressed and the pressure becomes too much, there is an uncontrolled release of energy and usually in the form of an angry outburst. This is just one example. There are so many instances where women are told that irrespective of what they are or what they have achieved through grit, they are nothing without a man or that they only achieved it because of a man and this continues unabated, millions of times over across  communities at epidemic porportions. No wonder so many women are angry. 

Unfortunately, because women are taught from a young age that men are kings, it is difficult for us to express anger and frustration against the 'kings' for fear of being left on the shelf (if single) or of being told off for not being submissive (if married), or of being blacklisted at work by our bosses or colleagues. We contort ourselves into all kinds of shapes to please the men in our lives, even when they are belittling us, cheating on us or hitting us and as we do so, the pressure builds up. So where do we turn to vent our pent up rage? Other women of course! Majority of the victims of angry women are fellow women. 

What shall we say then? Is all hope lost? Not at all. Women don't need to remain angry because at the end of the day, we are in control of our emotions and we can do something about the way we feel. We may not be able to eliminate inequality right now, but while we continue to struggle, we will benefit much by taking time out to understand what causes us so much grief and start working on ways to respectfully challenge the treatment that makes us start feeling angry and frustrated in the first place. Standing up for our achievements as women is one sure way of reducing the source of anger. When someone tries to belittle our achievements, or make us feel like we only got to where we are because of a man, rather than because of our competence and hardwork, we need to respectfully correct them. Women need to get these people who try to belittle us on the back foot. Its time to remove the veil of deference and let society know that we are succesful individuals in our own right and not because we are tied to any man. Of course our men support us by giving us space to achieve what we do but the hardwork and determination are ours. So next time someone tries to belittle your achievements, give them some nice feedback and see the look on their faces. Oh, dont forget to take a pic and share. Lets nip the source of anger in the bud and instead channel all that energy positively towards building each other up for a stronger and happier society.

Long live the happy Nigerian woman!

Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist so I may not have identified the full gamut of causes of this 'angry woman' syndrome. My analysis is quite simplistic and doesnt touch on more complex points. I also recognise that upbringing and worldview may have a part to play but I have focused on the cause of inequality only in this post. 

It would be good to hear your thoughts on this so please leave a comment.