Where Are the Women

Last night I went for a walk with a lady friend. She just came back from Nigeria and regaled me with tales of how Lagos is all snazzied up, and how people that she worked with have progressed on their career ladder. We joked about how tough it is to climb the career ladder in the U.K. And how maybe if we were back in Nigeria we might have been on a better trajectory. My friend works in IT and she started the roll call of her former colleagues and what they had become. I stopped her after a while and asked a question. 

I asked, where are the women?

She looked at me for a few seconds, realising what I was asking and said, they have all dropped off. She went on to tell me how her colleagues were impressed that she was still in IT after so many years and after having children.

Where are the women? Are they on the boards? Are they at director level? Are they chairwoman, CEO's, CFO's of big organisations or have they dropped off to start their own thing, run small businesses, stay at home with the children because it's just too hard to continue in the corporate world?

Until we have more women at levels of great influence, the situation will continue as it is. Women will continue to disappear from corporate male dominated businesses after a certain period because it's too hard. We need to keep asking the question and finding out ways to help the women thrive. We must support each other in our work places and push for more women being involved at leadership levels so that the status quo can change.

I really hope that my children don't ask the same question when they start work. I hope they don't have to say, 'where are the women?'

The F Word

Someone called me feisty tonight. Feisty!!!

I hate that word.

I hate it because it is always (in my experience) used to describe women who are not afraid to own and voice their opinions.

I challenged him. 'Would you call a man with a strong opinion feisty'? I asked. He thought about it and said no. He said he would call him opinionated.

Gender inequality exists in speech. It takes its form in the words we use to describe people. It takes form in the way we express our thoughts about people.

Do we accuse women of being irrational or emotional when we accept men shouting in the same situation without batting an eyelid?

Do we think an opinionated woman is being arrogant when she stands up for what she believes at home or at work but shrug at the same response from a man?

I can think of so many situations where the same behaviour accepted in men is vilified in women. Also note that women are as bad as men in using language to keep the system of inequality going strong.

At the end of our conversation, my friend thanked me for opening his eyes to something he wasn't aware of until it was pointed out to him.

Let's keep up the good work and challenge the causes of gender inequality where we find them.

Gender Equality and the Fairy Boot

This morning, just after breakfast, child one started with the imaginary games while I was clearing the table. Today's imaginative play was done using the fairy boot with all the fairies representing close family and friends.

I wasn't playing with the child but I was listening to the scene being played out while virtuously doing the dishes 😜. Child one is obsessed with wolves and bears and as usual, there was a bear in the story, prowling the perimeter of the fairy boot and frightening all the fairies.

Long story short, the fairies made it safely inside the boot and then I overheard the child say, ''daddy is scared". I almost said, ''don't be silly, daddies don't get scared'' and then I caught myself. Just in time.

In that second, I recognised yet another stereotype that I harbour in my mind. I just realised that I was still carrying it about and waiting to transmit it to my child, the untruth that men are not supposed to be scared.

Me! A full fledged believer in gender equality.

The same me who pulled up a friend on his choice of descriptive language for women just the other day because he called me feisty.

There you have it, madam carry-gender-equality-on-her-head is guilty.

We all carry stereotypes that have been handed down to us by our culture and environment. They are part of us. They creep up on us from the darkest recesses of our minds when we are least aware of them and influence the choices we make, the words we say, the way we treat members of different sexes at work, home or play.

Have you ever heard about unconscious bias? It is talked about a lot with respect to removing discrimination. Unconscious bias is what makes us treat people in certain ways, it is our brains way of making quick judgements without us realising based on our culture, personal experiences and environment.

When I heard my daughters words, my brain made a quick judgement based on what I had been fed during my upbringing, i.e. that the man should always be strong. That masculinity equates to showing no fear in the face of danger, not asking for help or support, not showing any outward signs of emotion and basically being a He-man.

Well, my judgement was wrong and I am so grateful that in that split second when I was distracted, my mouth did not transmit the result of my minds unconscious judgement to my child. Phew!!!!

I was further reminded why it is so important for us to regularly examine our thoughts to determine if we are harbouring gender stereotypes that influence our decisions. Decisions that could be unfair and hurt people. A lot.

Men can and should be allowed to express fear, sadness, loneliness, vulnerability, anxiety etc. without worrying about what people would think of it. Expressing emotions outwardly doesn't make men not men. We were all given tear ducts for a reason. If men didn't need to cry sometimes, then they wouldn't have them. I wonder about the man who threw himself off the third mainland bridge last week. Yes he was depressed or so it seems but I wonder if the root cause of his angst wasn't related to the unfair pressures placed on men by society.

I wish I could tell you that I said something clever to my child afterwards, but I didn't. I was too busy being shocked at what I had just discovered in my mind to recover quickly enough and the moment passed.

However, because of what happened this morning, I am now prepared for the next time child one says something similar. I will definitely be saying that it's ok for daddy to be scared because he is human and we all get scared sometimes. I will also say that family and friends are our support mechanism in times of fear and we should go and tell someone that we love about how we feel. How about that?

Two lessons for the price of one.

More Than the Space Between Her Legs

A girl, who is a girl?

Is a girl only defined by her DNA? A product of the merger of X and Y chromosomes during conception? Is all that she is, and will become, tied to the space where her legs meet? Should her future depend on her physical beauty, the symmetry of her features, and how she can package them? Should a girl’s only option be to become a wife and a mother of children? Or should she just grant President Buhari his wish and belong to a man's kitchen, his living room and the 'other room'?

Can a girl aspire for more and can she be more?

The answer to that is a resounding yes!!!!! A female is certainly more than the space between her legs. Apart from a vagina and mammary glands, a woman has a brain and a soul, emotions, desires, a will to do, the ability to self-reflect and a desire to achieve goals just like a man.

If the above is true, then why on earth do millions of females in Nigeria and the world over believe that they should never aspire to be more? Why are they deterred from chasing their dreams through the boundaries that our society has set? Why aren’t they more females in top job? Why  don’t we have more female politicians, engineers, vice chancellors, judges, CEO's ? Why don't we demand better treatment? No harassment at work, equal pay, more maternity leave and job security for mothers? Why do we agree with the societal belief that a woman is nothing unless attached to a man be it her father or her husband? This is the reasonbehind the mad rush to get married before they become 'old and desperate'. For some, the attainment of the ‘Mrs’ title is the most important achievement of any female. 

Many of us are all too aware that due to societal pressure, a large number of women have ended up in unhappy marriages, becoming victims of domestic abuse. They are too afraid to leave because they would be made to feel inadequate for losing that much desired title of 'Mrs'. No one can fully comprehend the damage that many have suffered from the consequences of rushing into marriage. No one can fully account for the broken lives that have resulted from this lie that women are inferior.

The truth is - WE ARE EQUAL,

Just pause for a moment and reflect on that.

A woman is not an appendage of a man; females are made for a purpose. This does not mean that a female cannot appreciate, love and work together with men; rather it means that a female should know that she is not a second class citizen, or a passenger in this life. A female must engage and drive her own destiny. She must be responsible for herself, have her own dreams and actualise those dreams through education, and hard work in a level playing field. A level playing field is one in which both males and females have access to the same opportunities and resources required to succeed and realise their dreams and goals. A level playing field is only possible when gender equality is achieved.

So, what does gender equality truly mean, and what part can we play in achieving it? 

Many people shy away from discussion about equality because they have a misunderstanding of what it is. So let me clear the air.  Gender equality, in the truest sense, is an ideology that seeks to achieve the same opportunities, and give access to the same resources for everyone. For example, all children should have equal access to education. A male child should not be favoured over a female child, or vice versa, and a female child should not be prevented from receiving education because she will eventually get married into another family. Gender equality does not call for women to try to become men, rather it is about women being able to have the same freedom as men to use their talents and express their preferences in creating a happy existence for themselves. In any case, men and women are completely different beings . We each have unique strengths and weaknesses, and trying to become what we are not, will only result in woeful failure. That said, we share many characteristics which means that women can, and should, engage in all areas of human endeavour as our abilities allow.

For instance, women should be free to run for political leadership positions without fearing the backlash of disapproval from the society.  Women should not be harassed by the police because they are out at night, or labelled prostitutes simply because they decide to have a nice time out on the town without a male chaperon. If a man is free to enjoy the nightlife unescorted, why is a woman treated any differently? These are just some examples that expose the inequality of our society.

Make no mistake, men are victims of gender inequality too, and creating a society built on equality will free men from the shackles imposed upon them. An example of the freedom they could experience is being rid of the incorrect societal belief that men cannot be victims of domestic or sexual violence.

So what’s next?

In my opinion, everyone, especially women, have a part to play in creating a more equitable society.

How can we do this?

We can start by changing the way we think of ourselves, and of women in general, and start to understand that we have talent, we have skill and we matter. We must get rid of the old way of thinking. Of the inherited stereotypes that keep us locked-up as second class citizens.

Secondly, we should work to influence the people around us and encourage them through respectful discourse to view females differently. We must teach our sons to start viewing, and treating, females as individuals worthy of respect in their own right. We must teach our daughters to value their skills and talents, to gain confidence in their abilities by getting engaged in sports, politics and current affairs We need to encourage our girls to read, read, and keep reading to gain knowledge in all areas as a means of understanding the world and building self-confidence. We must never tell our girls that marriage is the ultimate achievement; rather we must encourage them to explore life and gain experiences to develop themselves into well rounded individuals who will contribute to building up their communities.

Finally females should support other women who seek political and social leadership positions; not just because they are women, but because they are competent women. If we are to see any changes in society in terms of equality at the Federal level, we need to increase the diversity of thought in the Senate and House of Representatives where Bills are passed. We can do this by ensuring that we support an increase in the numbers of women who are elected into political office. The more representation we have by people like us, who understand our needs and empathise with us, the more we have a chance of achieving our goal of gender equality.

Change is never easy but it can be won. A Chinese proverb says that a journey of a thousand miles starts with one step. Take that step today and start effecting the change you want to see in the world.

Let us do our bit to promote gender equality and make our society a fairer place for the future generations.

Stand Up and Be Counted

You! Yes you, not the person behind you. I am speaking to you.

Are you surprised that I am speaking to you? Why, because you are female? 

You are surprised that I am asking you to lean in, to play your part?

Don't tell me you are thinking, ''I am just a girl.''

Is that so? You think I should speak to the boys. You think that these sort of opportunities should only be given to male folk? You accept that females are largely ignored and you believe the lie that we should just take the passenger seat? You really believe that our role in life is to support from behind, to be seen and not heard, to be the neck holding the 'head' up. To be in the living room, kitchen and the other room only. You really believe all that?

Well, let me tell you that you mustn't think like that. You are more than a passenger. 

You can be more. 

You should be more. 

You have the right to be more even though everyone tells you that you can't because you are female. 

Why settle to be a passenger, when you have what it takes to be the pilot of your destiny? You are made to have a positive impact on lives, your community and the world. Please don't settle for less.

You are smiling at me. Do you think that I am lying to you? 

Ok. Look around you. Many women around the world are standing up and being counted. Let me just name a few of our kind that are making an impact on the world in our era.

I will start with Linda Ikeji. You know her right? Yes, she is that self-made media mogul who has created jobs for thousands of young Nigerians. People have tried to pull her down, they have tried to reduce her success to nothing because she isn't married. People make out that marriage is the ultimate achievement of women. That isn't true, marriage is not an accomplishment, it is a choice.

Let's move on swiftly to Leymah Gbowee, a Liberian peace activist partly responsible for ending the conflict in Liberia. What about Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, the first female president of Liberia or Aung San Suu Kyi, a female activist, jailed for speaking out and who now leads the National Democratic League party of Myanmar formerly known as Burma. 

Shall I go on?

No need?

You get the picture, right?

You are asking me about societal expectations for women? Oh! Do you mean what people say about women needing a man to protect them, men being the bread winner, women being demure, women's biggest achievement being marriage and all that?  

Never mind about those silly expectations. They are based on stereotypes. Stereotypes are social constructs intended to keep people chained to what others want them to be. Don't get me wrong, some social rules are important, in fact essential but some are based on useless and outdated myths and should be ignored. Some people largely benefit from maintaining the status quo and work hard to prevent change.  Don't be a prisoner to their myths and legends, break free. Challenge unfairness and discrimination, seek truth and don't let anyone keep you from being true to yourself and from realising your full potential.

You are worried that you might fail when you try? So what if that happens? 

You will learn from your failures about your  strengths like so many others before you. To never fail is to never learn. Embrace challenge, push the boundaries of your box. Therein lies the path to success and happiness.

Ok, I need to go now but I must say one last thing; Females are not second class citizens, we are first class too and we deserve the same access to opportunities as our male folk. We deserve to be treated with fairness and respect and you must believe this if you want to overcome prejudice and excel in your chosen path.

Always remember that.

See you later.

Written for Youandmeroundtable.com 

http://youandmeroundtable.com/stand-up-and-be-counted/

The Evils of Girl Child Marriage

Child marriage is child abuse. It is an injustice that deprives young girls of the chance of getting educated. Child marriage often results in the loss of the opportunity to realise a future as independent women who are in charge of their destinies.

Child marriage deprives the world of talent. Think about it, among the many child brides could be that person that would have discovered the cure for a particular disease or brokered peace deals between warring communities, and many could have gone on create solutions that would impact their communites for good. All that disappears with child marriage.

Child marriage in poor countries is the greatest contributing factor in a woman developing fistula. These injuries associated with child birth by children, result in the girls and women being ostracised from their communities because of their incontinence. These cases could be largely avoided if child marriage was stoped.

Child marriage is one of the factors that underpins gender discrimination.  Young girls who are married off as children are unlikely to get educated. Uneducated women typically don't know about their rights and even if they did, they would find it nigh impossible to assert those rights in their communities because they depend on others for survival. They can only survive by  remaining quiet.

Child marriage is theft, theft of possibilities  and opportunities that young girls could have. Unfortunately, this is the reality for many girls, but it doesn't have to continue. 

Let's stand together to say no to child marriage. Let us tell all the young girls we know that marriage is not the ultimate achievement. Encourage them to be more for themselves,  to aspire for excellence and use their natural talents to thrive and contribute to their communities.

Watch Run, a documentary on girl child marriage here
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:RUN.webmu

Where are the Women in Nigerian Politics?

Most women aware of the state of our nation Nigeria, when it comes to the value placed on females in our society. The recent failure of the passage of the Gender and equal opportunities bill, and the increasing spate of violence against females leaves us in no doubt of the place assigned to women's issues; clearly at the bottom of the heap. Regardless of the power of social media in exposing these ills, females remain relegated to second class citizenship and our cries continue to fall on deaf ears, resulting in untold frustration within the female population.

Why does this continue to happen? Why don't women rise up and take control of the situation? Why don't women vote more competent women leaders into electoral positions?

For starters, we live in a patriarchal society where men still own and control majority of the economic resources despite the fact that there are more females than men in the population. Most females would not rock the boat because their garri and soup literally depends on the relationship that they maintain with the men in their lives. Also since men hold most of the money, and vast sums of money are required for engaging in politics, resources tend not to be readily available for females who wish to engage in politics.

Secondly, majority of females have been taught, a teaching emphasised by many of our mothers, that a woman's place is beneath a man and that she is nothing without a man to cover and protect her. Seeking political office or power is seen to contravene this belief and the few women engaging in politics are considered as being irresponsible and in extreme cases, accused of being women of poor virtue.

Additionally, the education of females in many families is frowned on and seen as a waste of the family resources, which results in a huge number of females missing out on the opportunity to get an education and gain independence. Independent women can make decisions for themselves about whether they can vote and who to vote for.  Fewer independent women is a factor that  affects the success of women seeking political office.

Finally, men and women in our society have also been unconsciously trained to distrust females in authority through the vehicle of gender stereotyping. Very often, we hear women in leadership being torn down because society judges leadership behaviour that is acceptable for men as a negative trait in women. For example, a male leader may be described as 'determined' while a female showing the same character trait will be described as being 'aggressive'. Women are expected to be nurturing rather than leading and as a result, society finds it difficult to accept women who aspire to leadership positions. This in itself is one of the greatest barriers to progressing women into societal leadership roles.

In the past, questions about the absence of females in leadership positions were not usually asked. Women either accepted what was seen as fate or discussed it in small groups with no result. Thankfully, with the rise of the use of Facebook and other social media tools, women are no longer consigned to huddle and complain bitterly. females are becoming aware, due to cross cultural exchanges from various media platforms, that we are not second class and that we should be partners with men in deciding our collective destiny. Our voices of discontent are growing and people are sitting up and beginning to take notice. The fact that the gender and equal opportunities bill was written is testament to the times that we live in.


So, what next? How can the problem of women taking backstage in political leadership be solved? How can the issues that females face on a daily basis be resolved? What part can we play in changing the situation over and beyond constantly speaking about it within our clusters and in the public domain? How can we create a wave of change to suit the female population?

Politics in Nigeria has always and continues to remain a male reserve. females have always been discouraged from taking any interest in politics. The average female on the street would shy away from actively participating beyond voting. As a result, the few women who venture into seeking elected positions are seen to deviate from the expected behaviour and hence are frowned on by society - the media do them no favours and the polity do their best to reduce them to cooks and pleasure providers for men at every turn. The statistics corroborate this, only 9 of the 108 senators are women and a similar ratio exists for the house of representatives. The situation is appalling. With such a small ratio, it is very obvious why female-centric bills would fail to make it across the house floor.

If women are to have a fighting chance at getting our voices heard at the national level, the perception that 'politics is only for men' needs to be changed and women must get into leadership positions within all levels of society.  It is crystal clear that by having more competent women elected into office, women can shape the future of our society and ensure that we become valued members within it.

So I enjoin you woman, get involved today. Get some political education and see where it could take you.