She

I am a woman.

Was I created to be 

beaten and cheated on by a he?

I am a woman.

Why should I be found

underneath rather than beside,

Why am I thus bound?

I am a woman.

Why must I embrace

Mediocrity and false humility 

So he may save face?

I am a woman.

must I spend endless nights on my own?

Yet still bend,

Into all shapes and sizes when he returns,

To avoid the wrath of his anger

and not get badly burned.

Why should I be taunted when he does me wrong,

by the throng that should make me strong?

Why should I be blamed when he steals from me,

the very essence of my femininity?

What should I do when I am terrified at my job,

because my boss says the sight of me makes him throb?

Who will speak for me when I am murdered,

by my brothers because 'I was out of order'?

Is it right that I should be so abused, 

just because I've been accused

of being the Genesis of the downfall of man?

Oh my goodness, I am just one woman!!

You tell me, 'it's tradition' and I ask 'So'?

You say, 'it's the way it's always been' and I say, 'No'!

I only want to live my life like you,

I want access to freedoms and opportunities too!

I am sick and tired of playing second fiddle.

The answer isn't difficult, it's not a riddle.

So hear me now, give me a break.

The time has come, make no mistake.

Listen friend, do as you should.

Don't remain silent, help me lift this shroud.

Stand beside me, hold my hand,

and walk with me into the promised land.

The promised land of equality,

Where I'll become the She I was truly made to be.

Anuli Marshall

6th January 2016

Is This Why We are Angry?

Angry Nigerian women. They are everywhere; in our schools, places of worship, work places, markets, shops, streets and even our homes. They come in every female form imaginable and manifest as wives, daughters, sisters, mothers, aunties.  They are our bosses, colleagues, domestic servants, leaders wives, religious leaders wives, neighbours, friends etc. etc. I can guarantee that every woman reading this post can identify at least one angry woman in their life. I will even go as far to say that each of us at one point in our lives may have demonstrated this angry woman syndrome or may demonstrate it when the conditions become right.

So why is the average Nigerian woman so angry? Why does she feel the need to be aggresive in her affairs? Why does a female boss suppress female colleagues? Why as a friend does she feel the need to be aggresive to remain on top her group of friends? Why as a woman studying does she feel the need to push extremely hard? Why must she lash out at others for no apparent reason when asked a simple question? Why does she feel the need to discredit friends or colleagues so that she remains the only woman celebrated? Why does she think she has to speak back rudely to women in authority or beat up her domestic servant just to show who is boss?

The answer is not a simple one and there are many factors that play a role but my theory is that over and above living in a difficult environment like Nigeria, where most people are in 'survival of the fittest mode', the biggest factor that plays a part is inequality and the suppression of women.

Nigeria is a patriachal society with many rules for women still enforced. For instance, even though many women are now in the professional workspace and are capable earners, most people still ascribe their success to the men in their lives. On the surface such comments may seem harmless, but most people know that recognition and reward for work well done is part of what drives people on to be better and achieve more. Now imagine that recognition being belittled all the time. Any normal person over time would become frustrated but in a society where we veil our sorrows with endless smiles and deference, the frustration can take root and start to build up. When issues are not addressed and the pressure becomes too much, there is an uncontrolled release of energy and usually in the form of an angry outburst. This is just one example. There are so many instances where women are told that irrespective of what they are or what they have achieved through grit, they are nothing without a man or that they only achieved it because of a man and this continues unabated, millions of times over across  communities at epidemic porportions. No wonder so many women are angry. 

Unfortunately, because women are taught from a young age that men are kings, it is difficult for us to express anger and frustration against the 'kings' for fear of being left on the shelf (if single) or of being told off for not being submissive (if married), or of being blacklisted at work by our bosses or colleagues. We contort ourselves into all kinds of shapes to please the men in our lives, even when they are belittling us, cheating on us or hitting us and as we do so, the pressure builds up. So where do we turn to vent our pent up rage? Other women of course! Majority of the victims of angry women are fellow women. 

What shall we say then? Is all hope lost? Not at all. Women don't need to remain angry because at the end of the day, we are in control of our emotions and we can do something about the way we feel. We may not be able to eliminate inequality right now, but while we continue to struggle, we will benefit much by taking time out to understand what causes us so much grief and start working on ways to respectfully challenge the treatment that makes us start feeling angry and frustrated in the first place. Standing up for our achievements as women is one sure way of reducing the source of anger. When someone tries to belittle our achievements, or make us feel like we only got to where we are because of a man, rather than because of our competence and hardwork, we need to respectfully correct them. Women need to get these people who try to belittle us on the back foot. Its time to remove the veil of deference and let society know that we are succesful individuals in our own right and not because we are tied to any man. Of course our men support us by giving us space to achieve what we do but the hardwork and determination are ours. So next time someone tries to belittle your achievements, give them some nice feedback and see the look on their faces. Oh, dont forget to take a pic and share. Lets nip the source of anger in the bud and instead channel all that energy positively towards building each other up for a stronger and happier society.

Long live the happy Nigerian woman!

Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist so I may not have identified the full gamut of causes of this 'angry woman' syndrome. My analysis is quite simplistic and doesnt touch on more complex points. I also recognise that upbringing and worldview may have a part to play but I have focused on the cause of inequality only in this post. 

It would be good to hear your thoughts on this so please leave a comment.

Submission in the Eyes of God

This one is for those of the Christian Faith, I can't speak for any others on this matter because i don't really know what the position is. In Nigeria, when it comes to marriage, there is one word that is always being bandied about. Did you guess 'love'? Wrong!! the answer is submission.

'Submission' is a word used to exploit women, it has been used to keep women in abusive relationships, to prevent women from reaching their full potential and to turn them into perpetual slaves. Don't get me wrong, I certainly believe in submission but only within the confines of a loving relationship. 

Paul speaks about marriage in a few places in the New Testament, one such passage is Eph 5:21-29 which talks first about global submission,i.e. The duty of everyone to submit to everyone else, in humility. The passage then turns to focus on the marriage relationship. It first speaks about wives submitting fully to husbands in every way (we have certainly heard the detail of that), and then goes on to expound on husbands loving their wives totally as Christ loved the church. That was not enough, Paul went on to put it into context, he made it practical so that no one could twist his words or try to wriggle out of this command, he said that men should love and treat their wives the way they love and treat themselves. No wriggle room left. 

Can you imagine how different many women's situation would be if the ministers, fathers, husbands, brothers etc. Who banged on about submission equally banged on about self sacrificing love of husbands towards wives???? Truth be told, to love is harder than to submit in the way the bible describes it; true love never forces its own way or tries to exploit another, it is patient and kind so that even when the woman doesn't submit, it forgives and keeps no record of wrongs. I think we should get husbands to read 1st Corinthinans 13 to understand what true love is and how love goes hand in hand with submission.

I believe that Paul, being full of the Holy Spirit when he wrote this letter had no intention to create disadvantage for anyone but rather to create equality in a loving submissive marriage relationship before a just and loving God.

So to all the people who keeping shouting submit without talking about the love part, check yourself, because submission can only exist where there is true love, to suggest otherwise is to support exploitation in the name of A just God. ‪#‎justsaying‬

12 Rules for Husbands/Partners/Boyfriends Part 2

Part one of this post has generated a range of comments on Facebook and I want to say that I appreciate people sharing their honest opinion on the matter. I have been told that marriage should not be based on following a set of rules and I most definitely agree with that advice. Every marriage is unique and should be based upon agreement between the two people who have signed up to the partnership rather than on a rigid set of do’s and dont’s because it robs the marriage of love. So if you have already downloaded a copy of the rules and pasted it up on the wall with the intention of setting up quarterly performance review meetings with your husband, I would advise that perhaps this is not a wise move.

Jokes aside though, some dear friends asked if I was upset when I wrote this post and my answer to that question is both no and yes. No, because I have a great partnership with my husband which is based on understanding and communication, and so I don't need to subscribe to rules to maintain a happy home and yes, I am upset that so many women are subjected to the crushing unfairness of being made to feel that the burden of a successful marriage is theirs alone. 

With that said, I wrote these rules not because I think that marriage should be based on rules, but because I felt it was time that a response was made to the unprecedented number of ‘rules for wives/women’ that are being passed around on social media, and which are being accepted as right. This post was written tongue in cheek, not as a joke to make people laugh, but intentionally to bring attention to how society places the unjust burden of the success of marriage on women. So while I am glad about the time that people have taken out to read and comment on the 12 Rules for men, what would please me more would be if many more people, who know that marriage is not about rules, but about private agreements, would now take the time to push back against these 'rules for women' and similar posts, so that the imbalance is addressed and a shift starts to take place in our society. 

Women have been beaten down for too long by everyone including women, and it is time to stop that. Long live the institution of a good marriage which is based on love not rules.

12 Rules for Husbands/Partners/Boyfriends

I have had it up to here (meaning not just above my eyes, but somewhere about 1 meter higher than my head) with all the self-righteous rules for wives that are doing the rounds on social media at the moment. This week alone, I have seen the so called 'wisdom for wives' and '30 rules for Godly women'. While these guides do in fact give some useful advice on how women could better get on with their husbands, I take issue with the fact that the advisers never think that similar advice is necessary for husbands, making it seem like they have it sorted out which is not the case. 

In every monogamous marriage, there are two parties and it takes the full commitment of both parties to make it work and not just the woman. You may say, but of course everybody knows that it takes two, but if you really pay attention to all the messages that society presents to women, then you will know that the above is not the case. Women are directly and indirectly told that the success or failure of the marriage depends entirely on them. This might be a reason why so many women stay in sham marriages where the men neither contribute emotionally, financially or otherwise and where they might be subjected to continuous verbal and physical abuse, putting themselves at risk of death because of the guilt associated with the failure of a marriage.

The cup is full and the time has come for the other side of the coin to be seen. I have therefore taken it upon myself to try to redress the balance by writing 12 rules for husbands/partners/boyfriends etc. to follow if they want a happy relationship. I hope this goes viral like the ones for women but I won’t hold my breath. Here goes.

1. Refrain from hurting your wife verbally, emotionally or physically because when you married her, she became part of you. Only a mentally ill person would deliberately cause harm to themselves. If you are harming your unit, you need to get a mental check-up.

2. In case you haven't noticed, women are human beings too. We come standard built with a brain which entitles us to have thoughts. For peace sake, please invite your woman to share her thoughts and make contributions during decision making because to ignore her would be like shutting off the outlet of a pressure vessel, welding shut the pressure relief valves, and hoping that the process will continue to run as designed. That is foolishness because the pressure in the vessel will keep building up and must find its way out, somehow. When the bust up happens, please don't call it nagging, you caused it. Only an incompetent work man would do what was just described above so check yourself and ensure that you are doing the right thing.

3. Sex in marriage is good and right. It is the oil that keeps the cogs moving, it is a joy that both partners are to mutually enjoy. Note that it is both partners not one. Do not make unnecessary demands for sex from your wife. Remember that she like you has moods, feels tired, gets ill, just needs space etc. Be considerate when you approach her and be respectful of her choice. She is not your sex slave. Do not treat her as one. Also remember that slavery was abolished over 200 years ago so don't break the law. 

4. Don't openly ogle or worse still touch other women's bits. You chose to be married, nobody forced you so deal with it. And no, it isn’t okay to do so even if your wife is not with you. That 'what she doesn’t know......' line is so not acceptable and disrespectful; just imagine if your wife was doing the same? Now there is nothing wrong with admiring the work of God but you should do so only if you would do it if your wife were there and wouldn’t mind and you must also be prepared to accept her gushing over her latest screen or real life crush. Fair is fair right?

5. Don’t EVER cheat on your wife, I mean don’t even think about it. Remember that you promised to be faithful when you said your vows? Just to make it clear, cheating includes the following, chatting up, cuddling, caressing, kissing, sexting, exchanging pictures of body parts, oral sex, vaginal and anal sex etc. Don't give me the line that you were just playing because playing can lead to all kinds of things including infecting an innocent wife with an STD. When you cheat, you break trust and hurt your unit. Please stop and give a thought to this; remember rule 1.

6. Look after your wife; give her the attention she deserves. Don’t say, please don’t bother me with those matters, because those matters are very important to her and she wants to discuss them with the person that should be closest to her. Don’t distance yourself from your wife, please embrace her and she will embrace you with all her strength.

7. If your wife likes material things, please buy her gifts from time to time. If she is a practical woman, please help her out around the house, if she is a romantic, sing to her and write her poems. Love your wife the way SHE wants to be loved not the way you think she should be loved.  Just wait and see what you will receive back. Some of the moodiness and tiredness might dissipate and she might just want to drag you into the sack. Ever heard of the butterfly effect?

8. Your family may be angelic in your eyes but not everyone agrees. Don't let your family (for clarity mother, father, sisters, brothers, cousins, uncles, aunties, nieces, nephews, grandparents) interfere in your marriage. Don’t let your family treat your wife like a servant or make unnecessary demands on her. They need to adjust their lives to accommodate her just as she is doing her best to accommodate them. Just because you get along with them doesn't mean that she has to like them, she just needs to be kind and polite, and they don’t have to be her new best friends. Please don’t force the issue.

9. If you are struggling to have children, don’t blame it on your wife. It takes a sperm and an egg to create a zygote. Don’t be reluctant to go to see specialists with your wife; don’t be reluctant to participate in procedures that will increase the chances of conception. If you are religious, don’t leave it to your wife to carry the burden of prayer, you are part of the unit. Participating doesn’t make you any less of a man; it will endear you to your wife further and could lead to more of number 3. 

10. Never be threatened by the success of your wife, she is your woman. Since you are both a unit, her success reflects well on you and if you are in unity, should be enjoyed by you as well. Please encourage your wife to be all that she can be and be there for her, be a sounding board and to give her good advice. Both of you can learn from each other and become more successful together. I don’t know any wife who doesn’t want to see her husband succeed, that would be unnatural.

11. Celebrate the achievements of your wife and never take the credit for her success especially as she would have worked her bum off to achieve it. You may have contributed and we thank you for that but never say that she wouldn’t be anything if not for you. You may have provided the funds or looked after the kids or whatever while she went about her business but don’t forget that it was her brain power and grit that she used to achieve her success. Celebrate your wife and see how she will turn it round and celebrate you. Remember what Jesus said about guests picking places of honour? Check it out in Luke 14:7.

12. Last one, don’t use the bible or other religious text as a bludgeon on your woman because that is not love. The bible is based on love. Love your neighbour just as you love yourself, it says. Whenever you shout 'submit' because you want to have your selfish way, please remember that the same bible says husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up as a sacrifice for it. Jesus died for the church, are you ready to die for your wife? Would you give up your life to see her succeed? Would you rather cut off the part of you that causes you to sin than cheat on your wife and bring home STD's? Would you rather flagellate yourself than lift a finger to hurt her? If not then better keep your interpretation of the scriptures to yourself. Submission doesn't exist without love.

The rules above are not an exhaustive list but serve as a guide towards achieving happiness in a home. Though these rules apply to married men, unmarried men should please reference these rules to know how to treat their partners if they are in a relationship and to start to train themselves towards being good husbands if they desire to be married in the future. Our demands are not many, there are only 12 rules on this list as opposed to the list of 30 I saw this week. If you are male and desire to make your home a nag free zone, just follow the rules. Daz all!!!

People have asked me if I was upset when I wrote this, the answer is both no and yes. To get a more balanced view on the above issue, please read part 2 here http://moprotsa.blogspot.co.uk/2015/08/12-rules-for-husbandspartnersboyfriends_24.html

The Big Ask

The 27th chapter of the book of Numbers in the Holy bible, documents a rare event in Israelite History, it was the day that five sisters went before the Israelite leaders, priests and the whole assembly of to make a strange request. Most people who attended Sunday school will recall the story of the Israelites wandering about the desert of Sinai for 40 years on account of their sin of complaining, after they had escaped slavery in Egypt. During those forty years, people who were over the age of 20 when they sinned communally died, including Zelophehad.

Zelophehad fathered five amazing daughters called: Mahlah, Noah, Hoglah, Milcah and Tirzah. These women would have grown up in a society where the second classicism of women was firmly entrenched. There was even discrimination when it came to worshipping God. Women were excluded from certain areas of the tabernacle and from certain activities, especially during and after the periods and childbirth. Women were also excluded from inheriting property. If a man died without any male children, his property was given to his closest male relative and his wife would also be inherited. It wasn’t clear what happened to any daughters but it is highly likely that they became destitute and disadvantaged. 

It took five courageous sisters to change that. Imagine the scene that day when they approached the assembly. Thousands of men gathered in one place, the atmosphere would have been super charged. After all the topic of discussion was the division of the land among the twelve tribes of Israel. Then, on the edge of the crowd, 5 ladies appeared, bound together by a single rope knotted at each waist in an attempt to keep them together as they made their way through the crowd. On their bodies, were all their clothes, layer upon layer to form a shield from the groping hands of unscrupulous men in the crowd, their veils tight around their faces and ears to protect them from the sneers and the cat calls that were sure to greet them. As they approached, those on the edge turned round and formed a wall, asking them where they thought they were going, telling them to go back to the kitchen where they belonged. They had planned for this, rehearsed what they would do in the face of opposition. When they role played, they had laughed the whole time but they pressed on, practicing what they would say, knowing that this was their only chance of a life free from destitution. 

Then Hoglah, the middle child and the most determined of the five spoke up. Her voice, clear above the humdrum, just as she had practiced, said, "We are here to see Moses our leader". The wall wobbled with laughter, almost collapsing with mirth then reformed, as impenetrable as ever and then it spoke, "who do you think you are? Go back!". The women remained silent, their feet firmly positioned, their faces, looking up, strong in their determination. Again, Hoglah made her request with more strength in her voice and again, the wall trembled, this time with undisguised anger and shouted, "Get back".  Then the pushing began. The men pushed and pulled but couldn’t split them up because of the well tied knots. The shouting escalated, the disturbance grew and Moses and the leaders looked up in the direction that the noise was coming from. Moses dispatched Joshua and Caleb to find out the reason for the upheaval, to calm the men and fish out the culprits.

They returned, towing five dishevelled women, bound together at the waist with them. Moses looked them over and addressed them. 'Who are you?', he asked. One by one, they called out their names. From oldest to youngest and then Hoglah said, 'we are the five children of Zelophehad, from the tribe of Manasseh'. They wanted him to know their names, they wanted him to see them as human, with desires, plans, hopes and dreams. 'Why have you come here, this is no place for women' said Moses. 'Yes we know, my Lord, but it is a matter of life and death and we want life, so we came' said Hoglah,  as she fixed him with her piercing gaze. 'Speak', said Moses and speak she did, for herself, her sisters, for women in her community and women that were not yet born. She made the first recorded case for fairer treatment of women with regards to inheritance. She spoke up when every indication was of a negative outcome. Even her mother had not believed, for she had not come. Moses was so moved by her request that he sought God and received a surprising reply. Yes! God the almighty recognised women, he said yes to their request and they inherited their fathers share of the land. A victory for the sisters and all women of Israel.

For centuries, women have been putting themselves at risk in a bid to achieve the same privileges and freedoms as men and there has always been fierce opposition. More recently, the suffragettes. Were thrown into jail, kept in asylums and threatened, all in a bid to keep women down as second class citizens. The freedoms that we enjoy today, were fought for by women like you and me.

There is still much to be done, we must never rest on our oars as we seek a redress of the current situation of gender inequality. Rather when we think of the example of women like the five daughters of Zelophehad, we should be strengthened to continue in asking, even demanding for equality, so that we, our friends, colleagues, daughters and unborn females will have a better chance to be all that we were meant to be.

The Slap

First came the slap, and then silence. It seemed to me that time stopped for one second on that hot afternoon in Yaba market. It was like the scene out of the matrix where Neo stops the bullets mid-air. In that moment, I took in the angry face of the young man and the bewildered faces of the people around me. I perceived the overpowering smells emanating from the gutter mingled with the smell of meat and blood from the butchers’ stalls. I heard the relentless buzzing of the flies and the cacophonous beating of my heart as I looked down at my right hand in amazement, wondering where the force of the slap had come from and then, time unfroze.

Yaba market is one of the bigger markets in Lagos Nigeria. For those living in mainland Lagos, it is the go to place for groceries, unsewn cloth bundles, clothing accessories and many other household items. Yaba market would ordinarily be quite a visually exciting place to visit because of the colourful array of objects that titillate the senses, however for many women, that is not the case because a subset of Yaba market traders are infamous for sexually harassing women. The level of harassment received varies from woman to woman and is dependent on age, marital status, clothing, skin tone and response of the woman, but in my observation, young unmarried females seemed to be subjected to the worst levels of sexual harassment imaginable. The tableau of sexual harassment ranges from verbal abuse, (ashawo meaning prostitute in Yoruba being a favourite insult to hurl at women), hand grabbing, waist holding, bottom pinching to breast squeezing. I have never in my personal experience heard of any incidents of rape, but I wouldn't put it past these men that subjected innocent women to the torture of sexual harassment in Yaba market. These hands ever constant and the faces attached to these hands, sneering with mouths full of vile language.

This is the treatment that awaited me and other women in Yaba market, meted out in the full view of the others who didn’t participate. The non-participants would hardly ever intervene to stop the treatment. They all sat or stood, watching, some with sniggering faces, some whispering that the victim brought it on themselves by what they were wearing. The silent majority, witnessing the sexual harassment and doing nothing thus standing with the perpetrators. This was the side Yaba market I knew and hated but I had no choice but to go because I had to live.

And so, on this humid day, I took my younger sister who was visiting from Abuja (the capital city) to Yaba market. She wanted to pick up some supplies which she couldn’t find in Abuja. Before we went, we mentally prepared ourselves for the battle, our skin, already crawling at the thought of the hands. As we walked past the market stalls, the onslaught began both verbal and physical. The hands started to snatch at ours, to grab our arms, the voices called out to us first to buy their wares followed swiftly by verbal abuse when we didn’t stop. We walked on, batting them away like flies, twisting our bodies acrobatically to avoid as many as we could. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a young trader grabbed my sister by the wrist and wouldn’t let go of her. I asked him to let her go but he wouldn’t, I asked him again and he ignored me. I tried to physically remove his hand but he had my sister’s wrist trapped in a vice like grip and that is when it happened. 

The slap, fast and hard across his left cheek made him drop her hand. First came the look of surprise, followed quickly by a look of anger and then, the cricket dance. He hopped around and shouted, raining abuse on me, threatening to beat me up.  To be honest, I surprised myself by slapping him because I am not the violent type but what was done, was done. So with adrenaline pulsing through my veins, I pulled myself upright to my full height, planted my feet solidly on the ground and dared him to touch me. I remember feeling fear but calmness at the same time because I felt justified in my actions.

Luckily for me, the watchers jumped out of their apathetic stupor and called for calm. They told the man that he should have let go when I asked him to. He continued to rant and got caught up in the market place court that was taking place. While this was happening, someone whispered to me to leave with my sister, a command that we promptly obeyed while continuously looking over our shoulders to make sure we weren’t being followed by the irate trader. Needless to say, we left the market without fulfilling our objective but I felt good that one of the pests had received in my mind, a just recompense for his sins. I hope he learnt a lesson from that day’s events but I doubt it. It will probably take more than a slap to stop the harassment that women face on a daily basis in Yaba and other markets in Nigeria and round the world. Maybe a million slaps?

All jokes aside, something needs to be done to address the abysmal situation. For instance, the leaders of the market traders associations need to be approached and told of the situation and how it makes women feel. They may have seen the harassment going on but haven’t really seen it, if you know what I mean. Sometimes, it takes a personal description of the feelings associated with events to make another person’s eyes open. Additionally, awareness campaigns can be implemented to raise the profile of the silent suffering of women, using art forms like drama and dialogue to cause empathy to take root in the hearts of the watchers. Posters and pamphlets can be distributed; songs can be written and sung by local musicians all to encourage awareness of the situation and to plant the seed of change. A boycott of the market may be a final resort, one that would require immense planning and convincing effort.

So many things beyond what I have suggested can be done to curb the trend, and yes I hear the question, ‘who is going to do it’? My response is you, me and everyone else who is fed up with the status quo. If we want change, we are responsible to make that change.

Disclaimer: No one was wilfully harmed beyond what they deserved during the course of events described in this blog. It is not wise in the writers view to attempt to recreate the situation described. Please don’t try this at home.