The Bedrock of Inclusion

Yesterday, I had a meeting with a colleague at work. What we met about was important and thankfully, we got resolution. I left the room not thinking of the outcome of the meeting, rather, I was thinking about a characteristic that my colleague displayed. She has tonnes of it and I prayed that I could become more like her. The characteristic that she displayed was empathy. Empathy, in simple terms is the ability to consciously try to understand how another might be feeling as they go through an experience. Empathy is what makes us think about others feelings and often drives a correction of thinking and subsequently, behaviour.

As I reflected on her behaviours, I thought to myself how important empathy is to understanding and working to correct inequality of all forms. It helps when one can make time to understand how unjust treatment based on preconceptions and bias, can cause pain for the person experiencing the treatment. This understanding is the bedrock of inclusivity. It is what drives people to change their behaviours which consequently impacts positively on others.

To put it into context, I will tell a story of a young girl who is found to be pregnant in secondary school. The typical response from the staff, parents, neighbours, family members would be a lot of shouting, shaming, blaming etc., and the girl would typically be suspended or expelled from school. Now let’s say that you are this young girl, take a moment to think about how you are feeling. Think about the emotions that would run through your mind on the discovery that at 15, you are pregnant? Think about the fear, the anxiety, confusion about the situation, and sorrow for your uncertain future. 

Think about all the feelings of loss and disappointment which the people who have invested in you will feel and project onto you.  Think about the disadvantage you would be at when you get suspended or expelled from school, knowing that the likelihood of your return to education is reduced, especially if you are from a deprived background. Think about the impact on your future and how your chance for independence through securing financial stability is evaporating. Think about the impact on the child you would bear, from having a disadvantaged and under educated mother. What awaits the child in future from not having financial security? Then think about how the shouting, shaming, punishment, screaming will make you feel over and above how you already feel. You know that none of this shouting or shaming words will make the situation better, it would just make the whole experience worse for you and possibly your child; medical science now tells us that a baby in the womb is subject to the emotions of the mother. Now you have a glimpse into this young girls emotional state. 

Now let’s change role. Think of yourself as an influential member of staff. After putting yourself in her shoes to get a glimpse of how she is feeling, of her anxiety and troubled state, would you act different to the norm? Would you let the drama carry on or would you think about how to solve the problem for her knowing her fragile emotional state? Would you take the time to find out what happened and think about how to manage the situation better so that the girl can be spared the additional and unnecessary pain? Would you think up options that would enable the girl to get the support she needs to come out the other end successfully or would you follow the default custom and practice and throw her out of school? The empathetic person would treat her based on how they would want to be treated if they were in her circumstances. Empathy would make sure that the right solution was worked out for the girl. 

So just think about that for a moment, and then think about how this applies to times when we witness unfair treatment being meted out to people based on gender. Think, if I were that young woman, being insulted because at 30, I haven’t married someone, or if I were that young man, being driven to frustration and anxiety because I might lose the girl of my dreams by not being able to cough up the demanded bride price. Think if I were an ambitious and hard working woman, but i am being harassed by my boss for sex to get my next grade rise at work, or the young man who is scared to tell his friends and family, that his wife is verbally and physically abusing him because of what society expects of him as a ‘Man’. 

To end, I will ask you a question, and I hope that you think deeply about it. Now that you understand the part that empathy plays, will you make a conscious effort to act differently when you witness others being treated badly because they are one gender or the other, will you be courageous and stand up against it?

A Special Place in Hell

Madeleine Albright, the former US Secretary of State and the first woman to attain this position, famously declared that ‘there is a special place in hell for women who don’t help each other’. While I agree with the sentiment, I think the statement is a little over dramatic. For starters, some women don’t believe in hell; so this is not much of a motivator for women that fall into that category. However, I suppose one could understand her frustration, which probably came out of experiencing, or witnessing situations, when that support from other women had been sought and not gained.

Many women do not support women aspiring for leadership positions in governance, or at the work place. When I ask why, people give the story of one woman boss that their friend’s, aunty’s uncle worked for, and how it was a ‘hellish’ experience. Others wind their hands over their head several times, click their fingers in the ‘tufiakwa’ (god forbid) gesture, and declare that it is not their portion to have a female boss. Many of these people are women themselves.

What we don’t realise (especially women) is that everyone hears what we say about female leaders being bad, and this influences their opinion. We shape people’s consciousness by the things we say. The more we say God forbid for other women, the more we disqualify ourselves from having the opportunity to progress, because we are reinforcing the culture which accepts that women should not be leaders because we become ‘dragons’ when we lead.

I will categorically refute that statement and say, women leaders are not dragons. Rather, women have a different style from men, and that needs to be recognised. The more females we have in leadership, the more we normalise what female leadership looks like in its varying forms.

So, my fellow woman, before you say ‘tufiakwa’ in your next conversation about female bosses, female political leaders, female religious, female military leaders etc., before you lift those hands to snap your fingers together, pause for a moment and think about how you are supporting a culture, that will disqualify you from progressing into senior leadership positions, in many spheres of life in the Nigerian society or wherever you are located. If you don’t care about yourself, then please, think of our children and let your hand drop quietly back to your side. Thanks in advance.

Riddle Me This

Here is a riddle for you: A father and a son are in a car accident, the father does not survive and the son is badly injured. An ambulance takes the son to the hospital where the surgeon cries out, ‘’I cannot operate, because this boy is my son’’. Who is the surgeon? 

Confused? I was too the first time I heard the riddle. Soooooo confused. I couldn’t understand who the surgeon was because his father was clearly dead. The answer: His mum of course. Not his grandfather or uncle or some other male relative, or a ghost (that was a true response, ha ha). 

On reflection that is the obvious answer, but most people like myself carry unconscious bias about gender and specific roles which males and females play in society, or the jobs which they perform. Why do we automatically think ‘he’ when we talk about a government official or an engineer? Why do we automatically think ‘she’ when someone refers to a receptionist or team assistant? History shows that these roles may have been done in majority strictly by males or females in the past, but things have changed a lot in the last 30 years globally. I am sure many of us are now aware or personally know male nurses, female engineers and mathematicians, male receptionists, female mechanics and bus drivers etc. The US statistic is that 1/3 or surgeons are women and in Nigeria, the number of female doctors are not a minority in the set of doctors, so why do these biases remain?

More importantly, how can we change mindsets? As we drive towards #genderequality and seek to right the balance for ourselves and our children (male and female), in our work places and at home, it is important for us all (male and female) to look inward and seek to understand the biases that we carry in us, to ensure that we aren’t feeding them forward to our future generations. 

I envision a world where our children hear that riddle and think instinctively, his mum of course, duhhhh!!! That would be an absolute result. So lets all lean in and do our bit 😀. As the saying goes, little drops of water.......

P.S: I am so curious to hear what your initial thought of who the surgeon was when you heard the riddle. It will be fun to know. Inbox me if you are too shy 

Leaning In to Achieve Equality

Have you read ‘Lean-in’ ? It is the international best seller by Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook  on working women and leadership in the workplace and it has a great message for working women. I was first handed the book by my mentor at work just as I was going off on maternity leave for the first time. The book really helped me and continues to do so and I would recommend it for every working woman who is seeking to become a leader in her field of enterprise, at work or at home.

Sheryl’s message is clear, we need more female leadership in all spheres of life. In order to achieve this, more women need to lean in, which essentially means, taking hold of their careers, being bold and getting their partners to support more at home. We need to be open and honest about who we are and be assertive about the value we bring to the organisations we work in and our personal relationships. We also need to make a way for others by challenging unjust practices when we have influence to do so.

Many may scoff and say the evidence suggests that female leaders of the past never did anything to help the cause of other women or even raise other women up with them. This may be true for a lot of the first wave of leaders like Margaret Thatcher, but we must understand that the back then, female leaders were busy trying to overcome so many barriers, fight stereotypes and negative feedback that they didn’t have any energy to raise others up. Thankfully, this is no longer the case as the initial obstacle course has been breached.

As the number of female leaders increase, the struggle to be accepted is being shared across bigger numbers, leaving more energy to speak up against discrimination and progress the cause for women in general. An increase in the number of females in leadership, will lead to more equal representation. It will mean there are more leaders who can empathise with 51 percent of the Nigerian population who are female. It will mean that employment laws, discrimination bills, etc. Which remove discrimination against women can be passed without fuss, it will mean that we can avoid a repeat of the fiasco that went on over the Equality bill that was never passed in 2017. It will mean that the inexcusable event which happened at Globacom Nigeria on International women’s day a few weeks ago, where over 80 women were sacked, because of their marital status/age, can be avoided. It will lead to fairer treatment for all women. I really believe this and I know I am not alone.

I will conclude this post with a quote from page 172 of the book. Sheryl writes ‘The hard work of generations before us means that Equality is within our reach. We can close the leadership gap now. Each individuals success can make success a little easier for the next. We can do this - for ourselves, for one another, for our daughters and for our sons. If we push hard now, this next wave can be the last wave. In the future, there will be no female leaders. There will be leaders.’

P.S: I have a copy of Lean In for one lucky reader. Let me know if you want it and we can work delivery out. It will be on a first come, first served basis.

Are You Still in Business?

Long time no blog.  My life has been a little tumultuous to say the least. Returning to work after a year off on maternity leave, assuming a leadership position almost immediately after my return and becoming co-lead of a diversity initiative on righting the balance for women at work while getting to grips with my new role and co-running a home with two young children to love and care for has been a huge adventure and this phase of my life is not over yet. Takes breath.

In all my busyness, what I have found is that I don’t feel my sense of fulfilment and through self searching I have discovered that I must give more time to writing about my passion for achieving gender equality through girls education and female empowerment.

Even though I mothballed the Equality Forum facebook group that I ran for over a year in 2016 (or was it 2017? Shrug) my conversations haven’t stopped and I haven’t stopped learning. The more I speak about achieving equality, the clearer my thoughts become and the clearer they become, the more apparent my unconscious biases are. So I am back in business and I am determined to keep writing about removing obstacles to female equality while doing my other underground work in support of my passion.

So a question for all readers, are you still in business? Are you still challenging biases and stereotypes and language that highlight difference and remove opportunities for females in your circle of influence? If you have become discouraged, if you have shut up your talking shop because you got tired of abuse, or faced fierce criticism, please come back, please reopen your shop, please start having those conversations again and respectfully challenge discriminatory behaviour when you see it but remember to keep safe at all times while doing it. And something really important, if you are feeling isolated and alienated, find some support. The internet has made the world smaller and its easier now to find like minds, so don’t delay, find some support to help you start again. I am here too, so reach out with any questions.

Anuli is back!

Gbegborun Central

Lady A: I make sure that my husband provides everything, he pays all the bills for the house.

Lady B: but I thought you were working full time.

Lady A: yes I am but my money is my money. His money is ours to share.

Lady B: So what happens if he loses his job?

Lady A: God forbid! Are you wishing me bad luck?

Lady B: of course not! But you know how things are right now in this town. People are still losing jobs.

Lady A: well in that case, he should go and borrow money because he is supposed to be the breadwinner of the family, that's his job.

Lady B: do you really mean that? You mean you won't help out if he lost his job.

Lady A: I am sorry oh but I can't. That's the role of a man, to be the breadwinner in the relationship and if he can't provide, he has failed in his role.

If you were Lady B, what would you think or say about the situation? honest answers please.

Where Are the Women

Last night I went for a walk with a lady friend. She just came back from Nigeria and regaled me with tales of how Lagos is all snazzied up, and how people that she worked with have progressed on their career ladder. We joked about how tough it is to climb the career ladder in the U.K. And how maybe if we were back in Nigeria we might have been on a better trajectory. My friend works in IT and she started the roll call of her former colleagues and what they had become. I stopped her after a while and asked a question. 

I asked, where are the women?

She looked at me for a few seconds, realising what I was asking and said, they have all dropped off. She went on to tell me how her colleagues were impressed that she was still in IT after so many years and after having children.

Where are the women? Are they on the boards? Are they at director level? Are they chairwoman, CEO's, CFO's of big organisations or have they dropped off to start their own thing, run small businesses, stay at home with the children because it's just too hard to continue in the corporate world?

Until we have more women at levels of great influence, the situation will continue as it is. Women will continue to disappear from corporate male dominated businesses after a certain period because it's too hard. We need to keep asking the question and finding out ways to help the women thrive. We must support each other in our work places and push for more women being involved at leadership levels so that the status quo can change.

I really hope that my children don't ask the same question when they start work. I hope they don't have to say, 'where are the women?'