The Mrs Club

As a young girl growing up in Nigeria, I was told what my future should be. My education began at a very tender age and my educationists were the cloud of women who surrounded me. While some of the ladies were very direct in their approach, not mincing words, others were more subtle, making their point by way of indirect comments, jokes, conversations carried out in my presence, and sermons. My destiny, according to the numerous aunts, mothers and grandmothers, was sealed and it was this: To grow up into a nice young woman, appearing to be untouched by the hand of any young man and ultimately, to get married.

Marriage was purported to be my singular destiny, it was extolled as that which should be my greatest goal, my calling in life. Marriage was to be my game changer, my key to a different level of respect and position in society. Once I was married, I would no longer be referred to as that ‘small sisi’ (miss) or treated with disdain by the police, grabbed by traders in the market place, harassed by classmates and colleagues (of the male species). Rather, I would be referred to as Madam with some respect. No longer would I be harangued by people asking the same question relentlessly; ‘when are you going to invite us to eat rice?’ (a Nigerian euphemism for marriage) as if eating rice was ever a problem for them. Marriage would be my licence to demand quick service in shops, in offices and other institutions, a demand which few unmarried women would make for the pain of insults that would surely come as a result of their unmarried and therefore Non-Status. With the words ‘ I do’ uttered and the dotted line signed, the door to ‘respectability’ previously barred to me by reason of my ‘singlehood’, would be opened wide with great flourish and I would be admitted into the ‘Mrs club’ where I would reign on my throne of new found status. The irony is that even though there is a ‘throne’, it comes with little benefit except for those mentioned above. Many Nigerian women, if they would admit it, know what I am talking about and while it may be how it is, I balk at the hypocrisy of the situation.

It is particularly distressing that while men have created the customs and norms that bind women, it seems that women have become the custodians of the keys to these chains and revel in the role of gaoler of their fellow women, keeping them bound.  The sorry situation prompts me to ask the following questions:

• Is it right that women in our society should be considered as having little value and little to contribute until married and even when married, that their many achievements should be attributed to their husbands?
• Is it right that women should feel rushed into getting married because they constantly hear messages about how no man would want to marry an old hag (an old hag being age 25 and above) and they don’t want to become that ‘old hag’.
• Is it right that many women who are suffering domestic abuse, sit tight in a sham marriage, so as to hold on to the ‘status’ bestowed on them by virtue of being tied to a man, or that they should be afraid to leave because of the verbal abuse and psychological manipulation they will experience from their cloud of women?
• Is it right that when a man gets promoted, people congratulate him for hard work but if a single lady (and sometimes married) were to get promoted, there would be questions about who she slept with?
• Is it right that it is acceptable that married men should cheat on their wives and if their wife made an issue of it or ventured to do the same, she would be made a pariah?

No! It isn’t right. A woman should be respected for who she is and for all that she can bring to the table, whether single or married. A woman should have access to all the opportunities and freedoms that any man has irrespective of culture or religion. A woman should be free to go where she wants to go and to obtain a passport without a man signing a letter of consent. A woman should be able to go to work without the threat of sexual harassment or the loss of a job if she takes more than three months of maternity leave. I could go on but I will stop because I am sure you get my drift.

I have a dream; a hope that one day, all women will be valued equally as men. This is not, as some might think, an attempt to take the place of men, for how could we? We are so different. This is a struggle for women to be given  access to the same freedoms and opportunities within the context of our uniqueness. 

I believe that the key lies in education; educating the young men about gender equality, educating women about their rights and lack of rights so that something can be done to right the imbalance and most of all, educating men to help them understand how women feel by virtue of the prejudice that we face and how it cripples us and prevents us from achieving our full potential. I have a part to play in this, so does every man and woman. So play your part, challenge someone, stand up for yourself, join a pressure group, get people talking about it. Don’t let it rest till the goal is achieved, the goal of gender equality.