Gbegborun Central

Lady A: I make sure that my husband provides everything, he pays all the bills for the house.

Lady B: but I thought you were working full time.

Lady A: yes I am but my money is my money. His money is ours to share.

Lady B: So what happens if he loses his job?

Lady A: God forbid! Are you wishing me bad luck?

Lady B: of course not! But you know how things are right now in this town. People are still losing jobs.

Lady A: well in that case, he should go and borrow money because he is supposed to be the breadwinner of the family, that's his job.

Lady B: do you really mean that? You mean you won't help out if he lost his job.

Lady A: I am sorry oh but I can't. That's the role of a man, to be the breadwinner in the relationship and if he can't provide, he has failed in his role.

If you were Lady B, what would you think or say about the situation? honest answers please.

Where Are the Women

Last night I went for a walk with a lady friend. She just came back from Nigeria and regaled me with tales of how Lagos is all snazzied up, and how people that she worked with have progressed on their career ladder. We joked about how tough it is to climb the career ladder in the U.K. And how maybe if we were back in Nigeria we might have been on a better trajectory. My friend works in IT and she started the roll call of her former colleagues and what they had become. I stopped her after a while and asked a question. 

I asked, where are the women?

She looked at me for a few seconds, realising what I was asking and said, they have all dropped off. She went on to tell me how her colleagues were impressed that she was still in IT after so many years and after having children.

Where are the women? Are they on the boards? Are they at director level? Are they chairwoman, CEO's, CFO's of big organisations or have they dropped off to start their own thing, run small businesses, stay at home with the children because it's just too hard to continue in the corporate world?

Until we have more women at levels of great influence, the situation will continue as it is. Women will continue to disappear from corporate male dominated businesses after a certain period because it's too hard. We need to keep asking the question and finding out ways to help the women thrive. We must support each other in our work places and push for more women being involved at leadership levels so that the status quo can change.

I really hope that my children don't ask the same question when they start work. I hope they don't have to say, 'where are the women?'

The F Word

Someone called me feisty tonight. Feisty!!!

I hate that word.

I hate it because it is always (in my experience) used to describe women who are not afraid to own and voice their opinions.

I challenged him. 'Would you call a man with a strong opinion feisty'? I asked. He thought about it and said no. He said he would call him opinionated.

Gender inequality exists in speech. It takes its form in the words we use to describe people. It takes form in the way we express our thoughts about people.

Do we accuse women of being irrational or emotional when we accept men shouting in the same situation without batting an eyelid?

Do we think an opinionated woman is being arrogant when she stands up for what she believes at home or at work but shrug at the same response from a man?

I can think of so many situations where the same behaviour accepted in men is vilified in women. Also note that women are as bad as men in using language to keep the system of inequality going strong.

At the end of our conversation, my friend thanked me for opening his eyes to something he wasn't aware of until it was pointed out to him.

Let's keep up the good work and challenge the causes of gender inequality where we find them.

Gender Equality and the Fairy Boot

This morning, just after breakfast, child one started with the imaginary games while I was clearing the table. Today's imaginative play was done using the fairy boot with all the fairies representing close family and friends.

I wasn't playing with the child but I was listening to the scene being played out while virtuously doing the dishes 😜. Child one is obsessed with wolves and bears and as usual, there was a bear in the story, prowling the perimeter of the fairy boot and frightening all the fairies.

Long story short, the fairies made it safely inside the boot and then I overheard the child say, ''daddy is scared". I almost said, ''don't be silly, daddies don't get scared'' and then I caught myself. Just in time.

In that second, I recognised yet another stereotype that I harbour in my mind. I just realised that I was still carrying it about and waiting to transmit it to my child, the untruth that men are not supposed to be scared.

Me! A full fledged believer in gender equality.

The same me who pulled up a friend on his choice of descriptive language for women just the other day because he called me feisty.

There you have it, madam carry-gender-equality-on-her-head is guilty.

We all carry stereotypes that have been handed down to us by our culture and environment. They are part of us. They creep up on us from the darkest recesses of our minds when we are least aware of them and influence the choices we make, the words we say, the way we treat members of different sexes at work, home or play.

Have you ever heard about unconscious bias? It is talked about a lot with respect to removing discrimination. Unconscious bias is what makes us treat people in certain ways, it is our brains way of making quick judgements without us realising based on our culture, personal experiences and environment.

When I heard my daughters words, my brain made a quick judgement based on what I had been fed during my upbringing, i.e. that the man should always be strong. That masculinity equates to showing no fear in the face of danger, not asking for help or support, not showing any outward signs of emotion and basically being a He-man.

Well, my judgement was wrong and I am so grateful that in that split second when I was distracted, my mouth did not transmit the result of my minds unconscious judgement to my child. Phew!!!!

I was further reminded why it is so important for us to regularly examine our thoughts to determine if we are harbouring gender stereotypes that influence our decisions. Decisions that could be unfair and hurt people. A lot.

Men can and should be allowed to express fear, sadness, loneliness, vulnerability, anxiety etc. without worrying about what people would think of it. Expressing emotions outwardly doesn't make men not men. We were all given tear ducts for a reason. If men didn't need to cry sometimes, then they wouldn't have them. I wonder about the man who threw himself off the third mainland bridge last week. Yes he was depressed or so it seems but I wonder if the root cause of his angst wasn't related to the unfair pressures placed on men by society.

I wish I could tell you that I said something clever to my child afterwards, but I didn't. I was too busy being shocked at what I had just discovered in my mind to recover quickly enough and the moment passed.

However, because of what happened this morning, I am now prepared for the next time child one says something similar. I will definitely be saying that it's ok for daddy to be scared because he is human and we all get scared sometimes. I will also say that family and friends are our support mechanism in times of fear and we should go and tell someone that we love about how we feel. How about that?

Two lessons for the price of one.

More Than the Space Between Her Legs

A girl, who is a girl?

Is a girl only defined by her DNA? A product of the merger of X and Y chromosomes during conception? Is all that she is, and will become, tied to the space where her legs meet? Should her future depend on her physical beauty, the symmetry of her features, and how she can package them? Should a girl’s only option be to become a wife and a mother of children? Or should she just grant President Buhari his wish and belong to a man's kitchen, his living room and the 'other room'?

Can a girl aspire for more and can she be more?

The answer to that is a resounding yes!!!!! A female is certainly more than the space between her legs. Apart from a vagina and mammary glands, a woman has a brain and a soul, emotions, desires, a will to do, the ability to self-reflect and a desire to achieve goals just like a man.

If the above is true, then why on earth do millions of females in Nigeria and the world over believe that they should never aspire to be more? Why are they deterred from chasing their dreams through the boundaries that our society has set? Why aren’t they more females in top job? Why  don’t we have more female politicians, engineers, vice chancellors, judges, CEO's ? Why don't we demand better treatment? No harassment at work, equal pay, more maternity leave and job security for mothers? Why do we agree with the societal belief that a woman is nothing unless attached to a man be it her father or her husband? This is the reasonbehind the mad rush to get married before they become 'old and desperate'. For some, the attainment of the ‘Mrs’ title is the most important achievement of any female. 

Many of us are all too aware that due to societal pressure, a large number of women have ended up in unhappy marriages, becoming victims of domestic abuse. They are too afraid to leave because they would be made to feel inadequate for losing that much desired title of 'Mrs'. No one can fully comprehend the damage that many have suffered from the consequences of rushing into marriage. No one can fully account for the broken lives that have resulted from this lie that women are inferior.

The truth is - WE ARE EQUAL,

Just pause for a moment and reflect on that.

A woman is not an appendage of a man; females are made for a purpose. This does not mean that a female cannot appreciate, love and work together with men; rather it means that a female should know that she is not a second class citizen, or a passenger in this life. A female must engage and drive her own destiny. She must be responsible for herself, have her own dreams and actualise those dreams through education, and hard work in a level playing field. A level playing field is one in which both males and females have access to the same opportunities and resources required to succeed and realise their dreams and goals. A level playing field is only possible when gender equality is achieved.

So, what does gender equality truly mean, and what part can we play in achieving it? 

Many people shy away from discussion about equality because they have a misunderstanding of what it is. So let me clear the air.  Gender equality, in the truest sense, is an ideology that seeks to achieve the same opportunities, and give access to the same resources for everyone. For example, all children should have equal access to education. A male child should not be favoured over a female child, or vice versa, and a female child should not be prevented from receiving education because she will eventually get married into another family. Gender equality does not call for women to try to become men, rather it is about women being able to have the same freedom as men to use their talents and express their preferences in creating a happy existence for themselves. In any case, men and women are completely different beings . We each have unique strengths and weaknesses, and trying to become what we are not, will only result in woeful failure. That said, we share many characteristics which means that women can, and should, engage in all areas of human endeavour as our abilities allow.

For instance, women should be free to run for political leadership positions without fearing the backlash of disapproval from the society.  Women should not be harassed by the police because they are out at night, or labelled prostitutes simply because they decide to have a nice time out on the town without a male chaperon. If a man is free to enjoy the nightlife unescorted, why is a woman treated any differently? These are just some examples that expose the inequality of our society.

Make no mistake, men are victims of gender inequality too, and creating a society built on equality will free men from the shackles imposed upon them. An example of the freedom they could experience is being rid of the incorrect societal belief that men cannot be victims of domestic or sexual violence.

So what’s next?

In my opinion, everyone, especially women, have a part to play in creating a more equitable society.

How can we do this?

We can start by changing the way we think of ourselves, and of women in general, and start to understand that we have talent, we have skill and we matter. We must get rid of the old way of thinking. Of the inherited stereotypes that keep us locked-up as second class citizens.

Secondly, we should work to influence the people around us and encourage them through respectful discourse to view females differently. We must teach our sons to start viewing, and treating, females as individuals worthy of respect in their own right. We must teach our daughters to value their skills and talents, to gain confidence in their abilities by getting engaged in sports, politics and current affairs We need to encourage our girls to read, read, and keep reading to gain knowledge in all areas as a means of understanding the world and building self-confidence. We must never tell our girls that marriage is the ultimate achievement; rather we must encourage them to explore life and gain experiences to develop themselves into well rounded individuals who will contribute to building up their communities.

Finally females should support other women who seek political and social leadership positions; not just because they are women, but because they are competent women. If we are to see any changes in society in terms of equality at the Federal level, we need to increase the diversity of thought in the Senate and House of Representatives where Bills are passed. We can do this by ensuring that we support an increase in the numbers of women who are elected into political office. The more representation we have by people like us, who understand our needs and empathise with us, the more we have a chance of achieving our goal of gender equality.

Change is never easy but it can be won. A Chinese proverb says that a journey of a thousand miles starts with one step. Take that step today and start effecting the change you want to see in the world.

Let us do our bit to promote gender equality and make our society a fairer place for the future generations.