The Sower, The Seed and The Field

That’s just the way things are. Just leave it. Why are you talking about this? Who asked you to do it? Talk is cheap.

These are typical comments that have been made in response to my talking and writing about gender inequality and discrimination against females.

So maybe all I ever do is talk about gender equality. What if all I ever did was to hug my keyboard every night and I did nothing else to bring about gender equality in reality. If this was the case, then maybe I am just wasting my life banging on about why achieving gender equality is a good thing,  and why righting the balance is the right thing to do.

Or am I?

Talking and writing are two ways through which humans communicate their thoughts, feelings, desires and dislikes etc. to the people around them. Communication plays a vital role in shaping culture, influencing others and in understanding concepts and ideas that people attempt to pass on etc.  Humans have a need to communicate our thoughts and ideas to others. We do this knowing full well that what we desire to communicate may or may not land well with the receiver of our message, yet we valiantly do it.

I love how Jesus laid out this concept in the story of the sower. In this parable, he tells of a farmer sowing seed in a field, the seed being the message of redemption that he was bringing to humanity. In this parable, he recognises that we all have different mindsets, which he describes as being along the path, rocky soil, thorny soil, and good soil, and  he recognises that each individual will engage with the message in a way that is congruent with their mindset. In this parable, he doesn’t say that the sower only targeted his seeds to land on good soil, no. The sower just threw the seed as far as he could to ensure maximum coverage of the field and a higher chance of success.

Over time, different things can happen to soil in a field. The farmer could find the time to clear the weeds from the thorny patch in his field which might give the seeds the chance to germinate. The farmer could also decide that a path is no longer needed in that’s section of the field, and layer on good soil  to improve soil quality on the pathway, giving the seeds some opportunity. The good sections of the field could also get depleted due to neglect or through leaching of the soil. Similarly, over time, mindsets can and do change due to experiences or circumstances, creating the right environment for seeds to germinate and sprout or becoming depleted so that ideas once thought fantastic lose power and are rejected.

To conclude my talking session this night, though talk may appear to be useless in the face of the challenge, though it seems to achieve nothing, I do not and will not despair because you know what? The seeds of change that we are throwing will land in all kinds of soils.  Some mindsets will support germination and will go on to bear fruit that will result in a more equitable society, other seeds won’t make it to germination right now. That’s ok. All we can do as the carriers of these seeds is to throw them far and wide. Who knows, at some point in the future when the farmer called life has worked his magic to improve the poor quality soil, there might just be a harvest. 

😀

Dads Are Priceless!! But are they?

Not according to the message someone sent to me on watsapp. I am not going to prime you about my thoughts, but i would like you to read the message that was sent below, think about it and then  read my thoughts underneath. I would love to hear what people really think.

‘You asked for 10k and your dad told you he will give you in the morning before he leaves for work, this is after he has thoroughly scrutinised what you needed the money for, all the questions he asked is already making you angry. Through out the night the man couldn't sleep because he was thinking of how togive you his last 10k. Morning came and he called you into the room to give you 9k instead of 10k and you squeezed your face in discontent and reluctantly said thank you after complaining it's not complete. Your mum after seeing this will not say anything but will meet you in your roomwhere your dad isn't and give you 2k from her own money and say "don't mind him, use this one to complete it" smile from nowhere will enclave your face, you quickly go to facebook and whatsapp to write "I have the best mum in the world, i love my mum". Now your dad had gone out again with just 1k in his pocket home and abroad to top up fuel or use as transport to work. He will never let you see this because he is a MAN. Always try to appreciate your Dad for no reason because you won't know how your life would have turned out without a fatherly figure in it.. 

Dads are priceless too o!...

HAPPY FATHERS' DAY’

Dad’s are definitely priceless. In fact, all males are priceless, but this anecdote makes me feel sad. What does this story teach us? That men should not disclose how they feel, but just stomach it and pretend that all is great? That men should put on a brave face and not admit that they are struggling, emotionally, financially or even sexually? I think this anecdote fully demonstrates how inequality, bred by gender stereotypes, drives men to behave in alignment to antiquated rules of masculinity with very sad outcomes.  

The above encodes a false image of masculinity, which is presented to young boys and men over and over again, in every form imaginable. It is passed on through media, passed down through nuture, and reinforced in social interactions. The popular version of Masculinity which is largely accepted, without question is one that precludes vulnerability. The version of masculinity, which is taught to  most males is that of a He-man, who feels no pain, shows no emotion and carries the burden of the world without flinching. Research shows that worldwid, men are 1.7 times more likely to commit suicide on average than women. One of the factors believed to account for the higher numbers is the social constructions of masculinity. These constructs account for why men are less likely to seek for help over feelings of anxiety or depression, because society expects men to be strong and not feel.

This is not acceptable. All humans regardless of gender, should be able to show vulnerability with the ones they love and trust. Men, like women should have the opportunity to express feelings of vulnerability, rather than putting on a mask of false bravado. We must break down the walls of inequality, and create the safe space for our men to express their deepest anxieties and fears, and to find support in the midst of those who love them, without being made to feel less manly. 

It is all our responsibility to make a more equitable society. Next time a man opens up to you, give your full support and slowly but surely, we will be playing our part in advancing gender equality, by creating equal opportunity.

 genderequalityis4all, not just women. Fact.

The Bedrock of Inclusion

Yesterday, I had a meeting with a colleague at work. What we met about was important and thankfully, we got resolution. I left the room not thinking of the outcome of the meeting, rather, I was thinking about a characteristic that my colleague displayed. She has tonnes of it and I prayed that I could become more like her. The characteristic that she displayed was empathy. Empathy, in simple terms is the ability to consciously try to understand how another might be feeling as they go through an experience. Empathy is what makes us think about others feelings and often drives a correction of thinking and subsequently, behaviour.

As I reflected on her behaviours, I thought to myself how important empathy is to understanding and working to correct inequality of all forms. It helps when one can make time to understand how unjust treatment based on preconceptions and bias, can cause pain for the person experiencing the treatment. This understanding is the bedrock of inclusivity. It is what drives people to change their behaviours which consequently impacts positively on others.

To put it into context, I will tell a story of a young girl who is found to be pregnant in secondary school. The typical response from the staff, parents, neighbours, family members would be a lot of shouting, shaming, blaming etc., and the girl would typically be suspended or expelled from school. Now let’s say that you are this young girl, take a moment to think about how you are feeling. Think about the emotions that would run through your mind on the discovery that at 15, you are pregnant? Think about the fear, the anxiety, confusion about the situation, and sorrow for your uncertain future. 

Think about all the feelings of loss and disappointment which the people who have invested in you will feel and project onto you.  Think about the disadvantage you would be at when you get suspended or expelled from school, knowing that the likelihood of your return to education is reduced, especially if you are from a deprived background. Think about the impact on your future and how your chance for independence through securing financial stability is evaporating. Think about the impact on the child you would bear, from having a disadvantaged and under educated mother. What awaits the child in future from not having financial security? Then think about how the shouting, shaming, punishment, screaming will make you feel over and above how you already feel. You know that none of this shouting or shaming words will make the situation better, it would just make the whole experience worse for you and possibly your child; medical science now tells us that a baby in the womb is subject to the emotions of the mother. Now you have a glimpse into this young girls emotional state. 

Now let’s change role. Think of yourself as an influential member of staff. After putting yourself in her shoes to get a glimpse of how she is feeling, of her anxiety and troubled state, would you act different to the norm? Would you let the drama carry on or would you think about how to solve the problem for her knowing her fragile emotional state? Would you take the time to find out what happened and think about how to manage the situation better so that the girl can be spared the additional and unnecessary pain? Would you think up options that would enable the girl to get the support she needs to come out the other end successfully or would you follow the default custom and practice and throw her out of school? The empathetic person would treat her based on how they would want to be treated if they were in her circumstances. Empathy would make sure that the right solution was worked out for the girl. 

So just think about that for a moment, and then think about how this applies to times when we witness unfair treatment being meted out to people based on gender. Think, if I were that young woman, being insulted because at 30, I haven’t married someone, or if I were that young man, being driven to frustration and anxiety because I might lose the girl of my dreams by not being able to cough up the demanded bride price. Think if I were an ambitious and hard working woman, but i am being harassed by my boss for sex to get my next grade rise at work, or the young man who is scared to tell his friends and family, that his wife is verbally and physically abusing him because of what society expects of him as a ‘Man’. 

To end, I will ask you a question, and I hope that you think deeply about it. Now that you understand the part that empathy plays, will you make a conscious effort to act differently when you witness others being treated badly because they are one gender or the other, will you be courageous and stand up against it?

A Special Place in Hell

Madeleine Albright, the former US Secretary of State and the first woman to attain this position, famously declared that ‘there is a special place in hell for women who don’t help each other’. While I agree with the sentiment, I think the statement is a little over dramatic. For starters, some women don’t believe in hell; so this is not much of a motivator for women that fall into that category. However, I suppose one could understand her frustration, which probably came out of experiencing, or witnessing situations, when that support from other women had been sought and not gained.

Many women do not support women aspiring for leadership positions in governance, or at the work place. When I ask why, people give the story of one woman boss that their friend’s, aunty’s uncle worked for, and how it was a ‘hellish’ experience. Others wind their hands over their head several times, click their fingers in the ‘tufiakwa’ (god forbid) gesture, and declare that it is not their portion to have a female boss. Many of these people are women themselves.

What we don’t realise (especially women) is that everyone hears what we say about female leaders being bad, and this influences their opinion. We shape people’s consciousness by the things we say. The more we say God forbid for other women, the more we disqualify ourselves from having the opportunity to progress, because we are reinforcing the culture which accepts that women should not be leaders because we become ‘dragons’ when we lead.

I will categorically refute that statement and say, women leaders are not dragons. Rather, women have a different style from men, and that needs to be recognised. The more females we have in leadership, the more we normalise what female leadership looks like in its varying forms.

So, my fellow woman, before you say ‘tufiakwa’ in your next conversation about female bosses, female political leaders, female religious, female military leaders etc., before you lift those hands to snap your fingers together, pause for a moment and think about how you are supporting a culture, that will disqualify you from progressing into senior leadership positions, in many spheres of life in the Nigerian society or wherever you are located. If you don’t care about yourself, then please, think of our children and let your hand drop quietly back to your side. Thanks in advance.

Riddle Me This

Here is a riddle for you: A father and a son are in a car accident, the father does not survive and the son is badly injured. An ambulance takes the son to the hospital where the surgeon cries out, ‘’I cannot operate, because this boy is my son’’. Who is the surgeon? 

Confused? I was too the first time I heard the riddle. Soooooo confused. I couldn’t understand who the surgeon was because his father was clearly dead. The answer: His mum of course. Not his grandfather or uncle or some other male relative, or a ghost (that was a true response, ha ha). 

On reflection that is the obvious answer, but most people like myself carry unconscious bias about gender and specific roles which males and females play in society, or the jobs which they perform. Why do we automatically think ‘he’ when we talk about a government official or an engineer? Why do we automatically think ‘she’ when someone refers to a receptionist or team assistant? History shows that these roles may have been done in majority strictly by males or females in the past, but things have changed a lot in the last 30 years globally. I am sure many of us are now aware or personally know male nurses, female engineers and mathematicians, male receptionists, female mechanics and bus drivers etc. The US statistic is that 1/3 or surgeons are women and in Nigeria, the number of female doctors are not a minority in the set of doctors, so why do these biases remain?

More importantly, how can we change mindsets? As we drive towards #genderequality and seek to right the balance for ourselves and our children (male and female), in our work places and at home, it is important for us all (male and female) to look inward and seek to understand the biases that we carry in us, to ensure that we aren’t feeding them forward to our future generations. 

I envision a world where our children hear that riddle and think instinctively, his mum of course, duhhhh!!! That would be an absolute result. So lets all lean in and do our bit 😀. As the saying goes, little drops of water.......

P.S: I am so curious to hear what your initial thought of who the surgeon was when you heard the riddle. It will be fun to know. Inbox me if you are too shy 

Leaning In to Achieve Equality

Have you read ‘Lean-in’ ? It is the international best seller by Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook  on working women and leadership in the workplace and it has a great message for working women. I was first handed the book by my mentor at work just as I was going off on maternity leave for the first time. The book really helped me and continues to do so and I would recommend it for every working woman who is seeking to become a leader in her field of enterprise, at work or at home.

Sheryl’s message is clear, we need more female leadership in all spheres of life. In order to achieve this, more women need to lean in, which essentially means, taking hold of their careers, being bold and getting their partners to support more at home. We need to be open and honest about who we are and be assertive about the value we bring to the organisations we work in and our personal relationships. We also need to make a way for others by challenging unjust practices when we have influence to do so.

Many may scoff and say the evidence suggests that female leaders of the past never did anything to help the cause of other women or even raise other women up with them. This may be true for a lot of the first wave of leaders like Margaret Thatcher, but we must understand that the back then, female leaders were busy trying to overcome so many barriers, fight stereotypes and negative feedback that they didn’t have any energy to raise others up. Thankfully, this is no longer the case as the initial obstacle course has been breached.

As the number of female leaders increase, the struggle to be accepted is being shared across bigger numbers, leaving more energy to speak up against discrimination and progress the cause for women in general. An increase in the number of females in leadership, will lead to more equal representation. It will mean there are more leaders who can empathise with 51 percent of the Nigerian population who are female. It will mean that employment laws, discrimination bills, etc. Which remove discrimination against women can be passed without fuss, it will mean that we can avoid a repeat of the fiasco that went on over the Equality bill that was never passed in 2017. It will mean that the inexcusable event which happened at Globacom Nigeria on International women’s day a few weeks ago, where over 80 women were sacked, because of their marital status/age, can be avoided. It will lead to fairer treatment for all women. I really believe this and I know I am not alone.

I will conclude this post with a quote from page 172 of the book. Sheryl writes ‘The hard work of generations before us means that Equality is within our reach. We can close the leadership gap now. Each individuals success can make success a little easier for the next. We can do this - for ourselves, for one another, for our daughters and for our sons. If we push hard now, this next wave can be the last wave. In the future, there will be no female leaders. There will be leaders.’

P.S: I have a copy of Lean In for one lucky reader. Let me know if you want it and we can work delivery out. It will be on a first come, first served basis.

Are You Still in Business?

Long time no blog.  My life has been a little tumultuous to say the least. Returning to work after a year off on maternity leave, assuming a leadership position almost immediately after my return and becoming co-lead of a diversity initiative on righting the balance for women at work while getting to grips with my new role and co-running a home with two young children to love and care for has been a huge adventure and this phase of my life is not over yet. Takes breath.

In all my busyness, what I have found is that I don’t feel my sense of fulfilment and through self searching I have discovered that I must give more time to writing about my passion for achieving gender equality through girls education and female empowerment.

Even though I mothballed the Equality Forum facebook group that I ran for over a year in 2016 (or was it 2017? Shrug) my conversations haven’t stopped and I haven’t stopped learning. The more I speak about achieving equality, the clearer my thoughts become and the clearer they become, the more apparent my unconscious biases are. So I am back in business and I am determined to keep writing about removing obstacles to female equality while doing my other underground work in support of my passion.

So a question for all readers, are you still in business? Are you still challenging biases and stereotypes and language that highlight difference and remove opportunities for females in your circle of influence? If you have become discouraged, if you have shut up your talking shop because you got tired of abuse, or faced fierce criticism, please come back, please reopen your shop, please start having those conversations again and respectfully challenge discriminatory behaviour when you see it but remember to keep safe at all times while doing it. And something really important, if you are feeling isolated and alienated, find some support. The internet has made the world smaller and its easier now to find like minds, so don’t delay, find some support to help you start again. I am here too, so reach out with any questions.

Anuli is back!