12 Rules for Husbands/Partners/Boyfriends

I have had it up to here (meaning not just above my eyes, but somewhere about 1 meter higher than my head) with all the self-righteous rules for wives that are doing the rounds on social media at the moment. This week alone, I have seen the so called 'wisdom for wives' and '30 rules for Godly women'. While these guides do in fact give some useful advice on how women could better get on with their husbands, I take issue with the fact that the advisers never think that similar advice is necessary for husbands, making it seem like they have it sorted out which is not the case. 

In every monogamous marriage, there are two parties and it takes the full commitment of both parties to make it work and not just the woman. You may say, but of course everybody knows that it takes two, but if you really pay attention to all the messages that society presents to women, then you will know that the above is not the case. Women are directly and indirectly told that the success or failure of the marriage depends entirely on them. This might be a reason why so many women stay in sham marriages where the men neither contribute emotionally, financially or otherwise and where they might be subjected to continuous verbal and physical abuse, putting themselves at risk of death because of the guilt associated with the failure of a marriage.

The cup is full and the time has come for the other side of the coin to be seen. I have therefore taken it upon myself to try to redress the balance by writing 12 rules for husbands/partners/boyfriends etc. to follow if they want a happy relationship. I hope this goes viral like the ones for women but I won’t hold my breath. Here goes.

1. Refrain from hurting your wife verbally, emotionally or physically because when you married her, she became part of you. Only a mentally ill person would deliberately cause harm to themselves. If you are harming your unit, you need to get a mental check-up.

2. In case you haven't noticed, women are human beings too. We come standard built with a brain which entitles us to have thoughts. For peace sake, please invite your woman to share her thoughts and make contributions during decision making because to ignore her would be like shutting off the outlet of a pressure vessel, welding shut the pressure relief valves, and hoping that the process will continue to run as designed. That is foolishness because the pressure in the vessel will keep building up and must find its way out, somehow. When the bust up happens, please don't call it nagging, you caused it. Only an incompetent work man would do what was just described above so check yourself and ensure that you are doing the right thing.

3. Sex in marriage is good and right. It is the oil that keeps the cogs moving, it is a joy that both partners are to mutually enjoy. Note that it is both partners not one. Do not make unnecessary demands for sex from your wife. Remember that she like you has moods, feels tired, gets ill, just needs space etc. Be considerate when you approach her and be respectful of her choice. She is not your sex slave. Do not treat her as one. Also remember that slavery was abolished over 200 years ago so don't break the law. 

4. Don't openly ogle or worse still touch other women's bits. You chose to be married, nobody forced you so deal with it. And no, it isn’t okay to do so even if your wife is not with you. That 'what she doesn’t know......' line is so not acceptable and disrespectful; just imagine if your wife was doing the same? Now there is nothing wrong with admiring the work of God but you should do so only if you would do it if your wife were there and wouldn’t mind and you must also be prepared to accept her gushing over her latest screen or real life crush. Fair is fair right?

5. Don’t EVER cheat on your wife, I mean don’t even think about it. Remember that you promised to be faithful when you said your vows? Just to make it clear, cheating includes the following, chatting up, cuddling, caressing, kissing, sexting, exchanging pictures of body parts, oral sex, vaginal and anal sex etc. Don't give me the line that you were just playing because playing can lead to all kinds of things including infecting an innocent wife with an STD. When you cheat, you break trust and hurt your unit. Please stop and give a thought to this; remember rule 1.

6. Look after your wife; give her the attention she deserves. Don’t say, please don’t bother me with those matters, because those matters are very important to her and she wants to discuss them with the person that should be closest to her. Don’t distance yourself from your wife, please embrace her and she will embrace you with all her strength.

7. If your wife likes material things, please buy her gifts from time to time. If she is a practical woman, please help her out around the house, if she is a romantic, sing to her and write her poems. Love your wife the way SHE wants to be loved not the way you think she should be loved.  Just wait and see what you will receive back. Some of the moodiness and tiredness might dissipate and she might just want to drag you into the sack. Ever heard of the butterfly effect?

8. Your family may be angelic in your eyes but not everyone agrees. Don't let your family (for clarity mother, father, sisters, brothers, cousins, uncles, aunties, nieces, nephews, grandparents) interfere in your marriage. Don’t let your family treat your wife like a servant or make unnecessary demands on her. They need to adjust their lives to accommodate her just as she is doing her best to accommodate them. Just because you get along with them doesn't mean that she has to like them, she just needs to be kind and polite, and they don’t have to be her new best friends. Please don’t force the issue.

9. If you are struggling to have children, don’t blame it on your wife. It takes a sperm and an egg to create a zygote. Don’t be reluctant to go to see specialists with your wife; don’t be reluctant to participate in procedures that will increase the chances of conception. If you are religious, don’t leave it to your wife to carry the burden of prayer, you are part of the unit. Participating doesn’t make you any less of a man; it will endear you to your wife further and could lead to more of number 3. 

10. Never be threatened by the success of your wife, she is your woman. Since you are both a unit, her success reflects well on you and if you are in unity, should be enjoyed by you as well. Please encourage your wife to be all that she can be and be there for her, be a sounding board and to give her good advice. Both of you can learn from each other and become more successful together. I don’t know any wife who doesn’t want to see her husband succeed, that would be unnatural.

11. Celebrate the achievements of your wife and never take the credit for her success especially as she would have worked her bum off to achieve it. You may have contributed and we thank you for that but never say that she wouldn’t be anything if not for you. You may have provided the funds or looked after the kids or whatever while she went about her business but don’t forget that it was her brain power and grit that she used to achieve her success. Celebrate your wife and see how she will turn it round and celebrate you. Remember what Jesus said about guests picking places of honour? Check it out in Luke 14:7.

12. Last one, don’t use the bible or other religious text as a bludgeon on your woman because that is not love. The bible is based on love. Love your neighbour just as you love yourself, it says. Whenever you shout 'submit' because you want to have your selfish way, please remember that the same bible says husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up as a sacrifice for it. Jesus died for the church, are you ready to die for your wife? Would you give up your life to see her succeed? Would you rather cut off the part of you that causes you to sin than cheat on your wife and bring home STD's? Would you rather flagellate yourself than lift a finger to hurt her? If not then better keep your interpretation of the scriptures to yourself. Submission doesn't exist without love.

The rules above are not an exhaustive list but serve as a guide towards achieving happiness in a home. Though these rules apply to married men, unmarried men should please reference these rules to know how to treat their partners if they are in a relationship and to start to train themselves towards being good husbands if they desire to be married in the future. Our demands are not many, there are only 12 rules on this list as opposed to the list of 30 I saw this week. If you are male and desire to make your home a nag free zone, just follow the rules. Daz all!!!

People have asked me if I was upset when I wrote this, the answer is both no and yes. To get a more balanced view on the above issue, please read part 2 here http://moprotsa.blogspot.co.uk/2015/08/12-rules-for-husbandspartnersboyfriends_24.html